I’m really conflicted at the moment and I don’t know which way to step for the best.
I can be my own harshest critic and for every time I’ve told someone to be kind to themselves I walk away and usually do the exact opposite.
Having lost such a huge volume of weight and for the last few years judging my success by whether I drop pounds in huge quantities or manage to maintain an exact (and at times maybe too low) weight has meant that it’s really hard to step away from this being an indicator for whether I’m doing well or not in life.
I know that I don’t want to put weight ON – but the question now is – why (or even do) I want to lose it?
This month has been an exceptional one in terms of exercise – and as well as walking over 300 miles I’ve also swum around 31km (a record 27 swims completed!)
The fact is that I’m fit and I’m also healthy.
Currently I walk to work and back – which accounts for six miles a day – and I take a single meal with me that I’ve cooked the night before. Whilst many around me go to the chip shop for their sustenance (and happily tuck into a lunchtime kebab) I stick with my home cooked food. Occasionally I’ll take some cooked chicken pieces – but it’s rare.
So – I don’t appear to be gaining weight currently (outside of small fluctuations) and my clothes fit pretty well now that I’ve got a few new shirts.
I do however have a lot of clothes that don’t fit – but if I’m honest this is mostly because I went absolutely nuts buying things when I pushed myself down into the 13 and a half stone bracket. I simply couldn’t help myself when I found that a medium item of clothing suddenly fit me.
Whether I was too thin is probably open to interpretation but at 13.5st (according to my BMI) I was still overweight.
A year or so on and I’m a bit chubbier – but also more muscular – and the truth is now that I really rather like how I look in the mirror.
That’s not quite true.
I’m actually less critical of how I look at this weight – and I’m not sure with all the loose skin I have that I will ever be able to say that I love what I see.
Maybe a better way to describe the current state of affairs it is that I no longer hate it.
But I digress.
The numbers on the scales are driving me nuts because I feel the continual pressure of them always nagging away in the back of my mind. In some respects it’s probably a good thing because only a few months ago I was completely off plan and getting bigger in a not very good way.
However a big part of my eating was related to being unemployed – and that problem no longer exists. Whilst my job is still a temporary contract I hope that it will turn into much more because so far (although there’s a load to learn) I’m really enjoying myself.
For the first time in a long time I’m getting up and looking forward to going into the office – and it also slots in well with my health and fitness goals. In contrast to this time two months ago I’m smashing my stats.
So – I’m struggling to see what my motivation for pushing my weight down below 16st is.
I’m loved, accepted, fitter than I’ve ever been, feel good, eat great food and almost everything passing my lips is something that I’ve cooked from scratch.
The thing is though that I can’t imagine not going to my Slimming World meeting because I love my group and it’s an important place to me. The sessions are both positive and worth my time, because they never fail to make me feel good.
I bet I’m not alone in feeling like this.
Life’s priorities change though – and now I no longer have a title I’m increasingly relaxing into the realisation that I don’t have to be anything I don’t want to be.
I certainly don’t have to make anyone other than myself happy.
We’ll see where I end up ultimately when my current 12 week countdown ends in a month or so. I said when I bought it that whatever weight I was when it finished was where I’d hang my hat and I meant it.
I think I’m going to let the universe decide.