Well as always I find it next to impossible not to beat myself up over what I perceive to be a total lack of impetus and progress on the whole ‘getting back to target’ question.
In real terms I’m currently only half a stone heavier than I was when I first hit target back in February 2018 – and in that respect I feel both fit and healthy.
That was a great day and I felt justifiably proud of my achievements.
I’ll never forget the overwhelming sense of accomplishment and how I cried when I got my target member certificate.
It meant the world to me then and it still does.
Logic tells me therefore that if I was a success in February 2018 then I must still be a success now – because I’m practically the same person.
There are however always other thought processes at work, because for a time after reaching my first target I carried on going.
I lost a further half a stone after that before I came MOTY, taking my weight down to 14 st – which (if I’m honest) became a real struggle to maintain.
Unexpectedly my life went and changed again – and before I knew it (flushed with the endorphins associated with a new relationship) I completely lost my appetite and dropped yet another seven pounds – taking my total loss to a rather mind boggling 21 stone.
For a while this seemed like a good place to be – but eventually I had to face facts. It happened because I was eating practically no food at all.
The same thing was going on with my new girlfriend and between us the weight flew off over a really short space of time.
Then things stabilised.
My appetite returned, I became less worried that occasionally I might fart in front of my partner and that if I did it would make her run for the hills.
She also confirmed that if I used the loo for a number two that I wouldn’t be ostracised from her life.
This came as a great relief – particularly as we had started to spend more than a couple of days together.
As my ablutions returned to normal and we started to have meals together I felt like I wanted to just enjoy life.
In some respects this meant that I also enjoyed it maybe a little too much because eventually several months later I found myself hovering around the 15st mark.
I will admit that this has some consequences – because a stone and a half means larger means that some of my ‘snug’ shirts and waistcoats (many of which were purchased at 13.5 – 14 stone) are now seem less than flattering and that’s a little depressing.
Fundamentally I’m a bit of a shirt addict.
However – these are just clothes and my body feels absolutely fine.
I’m still swimming, walking, spending quality time engaging in energetic activity in many areas of my life and just generally feeling as happy as a pig in poop.
Like most people however that sense of zen like calm quickly evaporates when I try on something that doesn’t fit.
I’ve become very fond of my cargo trousers lately and I’m ashamed to say that it’s because I feel like they hide a multitude of sins.
This is patently nonsense mind you.
I am not fat any more.
This is something that I still occasionally struggle to remember and keep at the forefront of my mind.
I always worry that the guy above is lurking in the background – just waiting to reappear – and by being 7lbs out of target I’m more like him than ever.
It’s midday and I’ve already walked 6 miles and swum a kilometre.
We couldn’t be further apart and I’m undeniably fitter than I’ve ever been in my life.
Yet some of my shirts don’t fit.
I promised myself that I would never go back and buy larger ones – but maybe I’m just being stupid.
Maybe a wardrobe with ‘options’ is what ‘normal’ people have and they just accept that they will go up from time to time as well as down.
Or is this me trying to excuse my gain (which I view in my mind as a consequence of bad behaviour) and get out of the disagreeable task of losing weight.
I’m struggling with this at the moment – and it oddly it is NOT because I’m eating the wrong food.
The meals that I’m preparing are being consumed by both myself and my partner and she seems to be losing weight currently (which is wonderful because it’s what she’s aiming to to) whereas I’m remaining totally static.
I’m practically taking on the appearance of a bowl of salad due to the amount of fresh vegetables I’m consuming and yet it seems to make no difference.
I’m remaining static on the scales.
So – I’m happy, healthy, comfortable, fit, settled, and in a very very nice place in life. I feel loved and because of that I also feel attractive.
The latter may have something to do with the fact that I have someone constantly pinching my bottom while I’m cooking or washing up – but also because it’s pushing me to face up to how needlessly hard I can be on myself.
Again and again I was told I was too thin at 13.5 stone and that now I look healthy and ‘just right’ – but I’m still struggling to believe it.
The reality is that the jeans in this picture appear to fit me.
I tried them on the other day in Debenhams (despite all of my mental barriers about wearing ‘slim fit’ anything) and they were pretty darned comfortable.
What’s more I actually ended up buying them and my other half definitely approved – because I can confirm that the number of impromptu ‘butt grabbery’ incidents whilst working in the kitchen and putting together garden furniture practically doubled yesterday compared to my experience whilst wearing cargo trousers.
So what do I do?
I want to get back to my old target – but at 14.5 stone many of my shirts will still not be as loose as I’d prefer or simply not fit at all.
Does that mean I just accept that I’m this weight for the time being and stock my wardrobe accordingly or do I keep beating myself up and pushing myself back to my current target of 14st?
I just don’t know – and I’m wondering what my real motivation is at the moment.
I don’t have an underlying health issue to fix.
I don’t feel unloved.
I don’t feel unattractive.
I don’t feel unfit.
I’m wearing slim fit jeans.
What on Earth is my motivation to be anyone other than who I am?
If anyone needs me I’ll be pinching the bridge of my nose and looking thoughtful.