Even by my standards this evening I’m excessively caffeinated.
A bottomless cup policy is something that I continually fail to approach with any kind of moderation – and after around 8 Americanos earlier this afternoon I’m completely wired.
It’s propelled me several times around the park and raised my pulse considerably as well as leaving me with a banging headache – which is less than ideal.
I feel good though – which wasn’t how I ended yesterday, because when I finally went to bed I was mildly miffed with myself.
On plan October was going really really well – until Sunday when (for some completely unknown reason) I hit a speed bump.
I honestly have no idea why the day became one where the predominant theme was ‘hibernate and overeat’ but it did.
Thankfully (as usually happens) I over indulged in lots of good things such as mango, apples, melon, cottage cheese, ham, natural yogurt etc etc etc.
The list went on much further….
However – regardless of the fact that all of these items were ‘proper’ food rather than refined crap – they still represented a day where I felt I had no ‘off switch’.
Everything consumed was in the wrong quantities and nothing seemed to fill me up.
I prepared only one meal – choosing to snack on all of the food in sight instead of turning it into something that represented a lunch or dinner capable of properly satisfying me.
In retrospect I also failed to drink enough fluid.
Unsurprisingly because of this all I wanted to do in between my bouts of excessive grazing was sleep – and (rather unusually for me) this was what formed the majority of my Sunday.
I chose to write none of my dietary crimes down (like I have for every other day in #onplanoctober) which meant I’d pretty much accepted early on in the whole sorry affair that this was the way my day would go.
However I’m kind of glad that I had a relaxed eating day.
The dream filled and largely piecemeal sleep that I’ve been having lately (when combined with my unwillingness to have any kind of a lie in – because if you snooze you lose) has meant that day by day I’ve felt progressively more and more worn down.
By the end of my visit to Oxford on Saturday (after waking up at 2am that morning) I was pretty much asleep on my feet.
I guess yesterday was my body’s way of just calling a halt to proceedings and relaxing.
By my standards I barely moved and by close of play on Sunday evening I’d only just managed to get five miles under my belt.
Today though I feel quite different.
My scales registered a small gain this morning – but my rampant appetite (thankfully) appeared to be once more fully under control.
After confronting the damage I felt like I was completely out of the danger zone and determined to be back on plan from that point onwards.
At times like this I often find the little mantras from my Slimming World group bounce around my head and I hear Angie saying things like ‘on plan when you can’, ‘forgive yourself and move on’ or ‘if you reach for the moon and miss you still fall amongst the stars’.
Often these phrases completely pass me by in group because over the last two and a half years I’ve heard them time and time again. However on days where things haven’t gone quite so well they float to the surface, enabling me to ground myself and not to catastrophize events.
There’s a good reason that I’m highly focused on being totally on plan at the moment – and it’s because the next few weeks have a number of Slimming World related events in them.
Deep down though I’m dissatisfied with myself for being outside of my target weight range for the last few of weeks.
Sure – it irks me that I’m paying to weigh in again (although Angie is worth it) but there’s more to it than that.
It’s been gnawing away at me deep down because I’d really like to be able to speak from the heart during these (rather public) engagements.
I want to talk to people and answer questions about my achievements whilst actually feeling like I’m successful – which wasn’t the case while I was talking recently on the radio about heart health.
If I’m honest at the time I didn’t feel like I was coping very well – and I felt like a complete charlatan for implying that I was.
In reality though as I type I’m pretty much where I was when I hit my target weight and I’m painfully aware that success or failure is often simply a matter of my own (sometimes quite warped) perception.
All of my clothes fit, I feel comfortable, energetic and healthy – however I can’t lie and say that the numbers on the scales don’t matter because they do.
I want to be able to look people in the eye at these events and know that I’m completely in control of myself – and that I’ve overcome my recent mood dip and what I viewed as it’s corresponding fall from grace.
I’m aware (partially because well meaning friends have reminded me) that I’m over thinking everything related to my weight though.
I know that I’m my own worst critic and I also know that I’m frequently way too hard on myself.
I’d be a liar however if I said that my MOTY award didn’t have a bearing on this.
It’s amplified my desire to perpetually be a positive example to everyone that reads my blog – and as a consequence has increased the already huge burden I place upon myself to demonstrate that I’m ‘fixed’.
The truth is that like many of my fellow slimmers I tell myself that it’s ok to be fallible – but then secretly beat myself up whenever I am.
At the end of the day we can all only be the best that we can possibly be at any one given moment – and sometimes what we achieve may fall short of the expectations of both ourselves and others.
Today though (as I sit listening to my healthy on plan dinner cook on the hob) I feel like I’m doing ok.
I feel like I’m getting there.
I feel like the ability to fall and recover (which seemed completely absent for a month or so) is back again.
I feel like I’m winning and isn’t that half the battle internet?
Faith in yourself is everything – and the paradox of this (as with so much in life) is that sometimes you have to tell yourself it’s there and keep doing so until you actually believe it.