The nature of all things is change – and there’s plenty of it in the air for me.
Over the last few weeks I’ve remained rather cryptic in this blog about everything that’s been on my mind.
In truth there have been a couple of things bothering me – but one of the more troubling ones has been work.
I’m quite careful to keep my writing and this separated. Although I’m very open I try not to discuss work too much because I feel it’s both unprofessional and short sighted to let feelings of any kind on it bleed into social media.
Not every situation or personal interaction can be public otherwise no one would trust me for longer than five minutes and my integrity in personal life and in the workplace is extremely important to me.
I’m not planning to change that any time soon, but since my decision is now official and in the public domain I think I can finally say here that I’ve decided to move on from my current job.
I handed in my notice a few weeks ago – and I’ll be gone before the end of the month.
It’s actually been a really difficult choice to make – because once again I find myself at something of a crossroads and don’t really know what comes next.
I do know that the biggest wrench will come from leaving the people that I’ve worked with in my current company. Until now they have been the deciding factor in keeping me where I am – and that ongoing decision has found me usually with a broad grin on my face.
They’re the absolute salt of the earth – and in my view a nicer bunch of men and women can’t be found clustered so close together anywhere in Warwickshire.
On a personal level they’ve all made my time very happy in my current position – and if I felt completely fulfilled with the content of my role then staying would be a no brainer – but unfortunately I don’t and in my case that comes with wider consequences.
I’ve mentioned a few times that I’ve been struggling as a target member recently – and I have begun to recognise that the two problems are (at least in part) related.
When I’ve found myself over eating I’ve been doing it to lift my mood.
I’ve begun to binge watch box-sets on TV or play video games when I come home in the evenings and most worrisome of all have found myself engaging in retail therapy.
eBay in particular has seen a number of frivolous purchases recently that I really didn’t need to buy – but for a brief (and annoyingly fleeting) moment they lifted my spirits and took my mind off what I was thinking about.
Scarily at times I’ve felt like there’s no off switch for my appetite and in the evening I just couldn’t fill my stomach.
I’ve consistently over eaten at this time for around four weeks and then had to repair the damage afterwards.
Truthfully I’ve been in a difficult place – and I’m currently several pounds over my target weight.
I may still be over it on Saturday (I’m trying hard to address it) but that’s OK because now the thing that’s been bothering me is out in the open and I’m hitting the problem head on.
The saving grace (as always) in the middle of all this is exercise.
Although I’ve been feeling down my overall activity has remained relatively constant – and it’s managed to hold some of my more excessive moments at bay.
It’s also enabling me to correct my course currently – and it will continue to be a continuous companion as I work towards deciding what comes next in life.
The wonderful thing is that – partially thanks to being made redundant once already – I no longer have a paralysing fear associated with leaving employment that I don’t feel fulfilled by.
I still have a deep rooted sense of responsibility though and I want to do a good job (and hope I have) when I’m working anywhere – but I also need to feel relevant and like I make a worthwhile contribution to the world.
If I don’t then it’s time to go.
Simply being paid a salary and working with great people isn’t enough for me anymore.
Thankfully- as a consequence of my recent personal improvement efforts – I now know that I’m fit enough mentally and physically to take on any challenge that I put my mind to.
Whatever life throws at me I can tackle it head on, with all cylinders firing and give it 110% – because the world is no longer frightening when you’ve finally learned to believe in yourself.
When you’ve proven that you have within you the determination and grit to move mountains (at least ones that weigh approximately 20st) then there’s no longer any reason to be fearful.
However I’m far from a tower of ego – and my self belief has faltered recently.
When I started to feel that deteriorate, deep down I knew that there was only one thing to do, and that was to take action.
The one that I chose to take may not prove to be the right one – but it’s action, and no good ever came from sitting still.
So – here’s to the future – whatever it may be.
I have a busy couple of months coming up with social and Slimming World events, as well as some other public speaking that I’m hoping to do.
There are also people and friends that I’m looking forward to meeting in person (in some cases for the very first time!) some modest travel plans and time to write.
One of the first casualties of a mind trying to avoid the truth is creativity, and I’m painfully aware that mine has tailed off recently.
In the past I didn’t understand the need for it in my life.
I’d never had the chance to see its benefits or to feel the satisfaction of regularly completing paragraphs filled with truth.
Without little bundles of words explaining honestly how I felt regularly being parcelled up and sent out into the world I’ve felt strangely lost and incomplete.
It’s this that’s caused my bad behaviour elsewhere – because in the absence of creation there is consumption.
Nature (as the saying goes) abhors a vacuum – and something will always fill any gap.
In the absence of positive habits there will invariably be a return to bad ones.
I’m soon to be unemployed again – and I’ll be seeking new challenges and opportunities in life.
My metaphorical page may still be blank, but my imaginary pen is once again filled with ink and my mind feels alive.
It’s exciting to be staring at possibilities on the horizon – particularly because I know that the horizon is always a walkable distance away.
All I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of another.
In other news an anonymous friend with an anonymous illness in an anonymous hospital having a serious anonymous operation is recovering well today and my heart is a lot lighter knowing that despite their crippling anonymity they are otherwise OK.
I’m happy beyond words that the operation went well and I’m think nothing but positive thoughts.
Hugs and love 🤗