Well – it’s Saturday.
For a long time now this particular part of the week has been something of a refuge for me and attending Slimming World an activity that I’ve genuinely looked forward to.
Today I don’t really feel like that though because August has been (at least from a mental perspective) one of the most difficult I’ve experienced yet when it comes to remaining on track and keeping focused on my long term goals.
For the first time in my Slimming World experience this month I’ve consciously avoided going to group because I’ve felt down and like I’ve screwed things up.
I’ve not felt like facing anyone to talk about this (and other things) and I’ve hibernated.
This stops today.
I’ve tried really hard this week to turn things around and I need to focus on that fact. Despite what the end result may or may not be I’ve won a victory on my mental battlefield even if it turns out that the war isn’t yet won on the physical one.
Whatever happens on the scales this morning I’m going to get the support I need to deal with it and then move on.
For the last week I’ve been (mostly) pescatarian.
I have really good results with weight loss when I lay off red meat in particular – and this usually also has a positive impact on both my mental well being so there’s more than one reason for the glimmer of hope rattling around my head.
Oily fish is something that I’ve long known has a direct correlation with upswings in my state of mind and when I consciously increase it in my diet the effects can be profound.
My advice to anyone asking whether they too need this in their diet is that you avoid Omega 3 at your peril.
It’s a fine balancing act though. Things like salmon and mackerel can be quite calorific – but like an avocado (also calorific) it’s a good use of syns if you’re careful with how you use them.
Fish is a protein too – so it keeps you feeling fuller for longer.
It doesn’t stop me worrying though.
Although I knew what I weighed a few days ago I’ve tried to steer clear of the scales and I have no idea how heavy I am this morning.
As I write (it’s 7.30am currently) I’m trying to not let my mind play tricks on me.
I’ve got three hours before I stand on Angie’s scales and time is moving very slowly.
The annoying thing is that today (well yesterday actually) represents exactly six months at target – if that is I’m still there.
It would be pretty annoying to reach this milestone (something I always hoped would be a triumphant half way point to diamond target member status) and be outside of my range.
It’s a real possibility though – and I can’t call it.
I have a pair of scales downstairs that could tell me – but I really don’t want to stand on them.
I’m as nervous as hell, and if I do and it’s bad news then I’m just going to spend the time kicking myself.
I’m trying to resist – but I may not be able to. Today is (no joke) going to come down to whether I have a spirited visit to the smallest room of the house, or a (ahem) less successful morning routine than usual.
(Author potters around, has a couple of espressos, goes shopping and spends a little while playing video games to take his mind off matters before going to group)
Ok. I can’t lie.
I cracked and stood on the scales before I left.
I was pacing like a panther in a cage wondering about what would happen – and the news on my scales of ultimate accuracy matched Angie’s in group exactly.
In my usual weigh in clothes I am still in target after six months – although closer to the upper end of my range than I’d like to be.
I’ll be more honest still.
This represents a significant loss compared with this time last week when I was busy trying to get things under control.
Whilst it’s a two pound gain on the page in my SW book the reality of these numbers is that last week I really screwed up. In contrast this week I did really really well and I’m immensely proud of myself.
That’s not meant to be self aggrandisement or grandstanding.
This result means a lot to me.
I’m also going to try my level best to carry on with the same mindset over the coming bank holiday weekend and not relax into three days of constant snacking.
If I do I’ll just end up with yet another flipping mountain to climb and I’m sick to death of how that’s made me feel for the whole of August.
So – this is me, planting a flag in the ground and saying that August is soon to be in the rear view mirror and September will be be better.
I know already that it has its own challenges in store and on paper it’s probably going to be just as difficult (if not more so) than this month – but the last thing in the world that will help that is comfort eating.
I’ve not come to this conclusion alone mind you – and today was great for more than one reason.
I spent some time talking to my consultant Angie after group and went through some of the things that have been going on.
I feel a lot lighter for having done so and I’ve agreed that more often I’m going to come to group but maybe avoid the stress of weekly weigh in’s and allow myself to get the support of being there without the stress of standing on the scales every single week without fail.
Many others have a week off and it’s perfectly normal.
It’s about time I started treating myself the same way I view them – because the only person I consider abnormal when I see this behaviour in action is me.
If I give myself nowhere to hide and my expectation of is nothing short personal of perfection week after week then I’m doomed to eventually disappoint myself no matter how hard I try.
This isn’t sustainable and it’s not healthy.
That’s not to say I want to reduce my focus though – because in order to overcome challenges in life you need to be as healthy and fit as possible – so that’s my aim.
To weather any coming storms and come out a bit damp but otherwise OK on the other side.
At the moment the stormy allegory is less of a metaphor and more of a reality however.
It’s absolutely battering it down with rain outside – and I’ve taken refuge in a pub to have a coffee in town.
I was hoping that today would be a good one for walking but sadly it doesn’t look like that’s going to be the reality of my Saturday.
Instead I’m going to listen to the world, take the win that’s sitting in front of me, remain focused and maybe watch a movie instead later on.
At the half way point to diamond target member status I’m feeling more myself again internet – and that’s as good as it gets.