The weather has become a little overcast today – and after an almost unbroken period of sunshine it’s become a lot more muggy.
Thankfully I’ve been making the most of the blue skies while they’ve been there and spent yesterday afternoon exploring Warwick Racecourse, which (rather bizarrely considering the amount of miles I do) I hadn’t realised I’d never completely walked around.
It’s a really nice space – and a round trip is almost a mile and a half – making a few laps a rather good workout.
It’s a nice peaceful place to think through and talk stuff out too – which I realised definitely needed to do as I made my way round with a friend.
Sometimes you start twalking – and a chat unexpectedly becomes an outpouring.
It’s a good thing I have friends who like to listen because I feel like I’m in a bit of a weird place at the moment. At least for the time being I’m undecided about what I should focus my energies on now the hubbub and noise that filled my head with constant weight loss has subsided.
It’s not gone altogether mind you because I’m still trying hard to focus both on staying on target and keeping my levels of fitness constant.
What I mean is that recently I’ve found that an odd ‘disconnectedness’ has set in after reaching target and the recent excitement surrounding the Slimming World competition.
I’m left wondering ‘what does it all mean?’
I feel in many ways that now I’ve lost all that weight and shaved away all that excess I’m still left with something I can’t diet out of existence and that’s the life that remains.
All of a sudden it feels curiously empty – and ever since Sunday I’ve been preoccupied with a feeling that something is missing that I never really noticed wasn’t there before.
For the first time in a really long time I guess I’m feeling acutely lonely.
Maybe a better way of categorising my thought process is that I’m left wondering ‘what does it all mean if I can’t share it?’
This isn’t because I don’t have friends and acquaintances – because in that respect I feel blessed.
I have a lot of really cool and totally genuine people surrounding me – and all of them mean the world to me.
What I mean is I’m realising that when I stand in a crowd I feel like there’s someone that should be by my side but isn’t and I need a full time presence in my life that isn’t just a friend.
With this in mind recently I stopped procrastinating and finally completed a profile on a dating app that’s been pending for over a month. Since then however the results have been depressingly limited. The people viewing my profile so far haven’t been in the least bit of interest to me – and I haven’t found anyone in my searches that’s firing my imagination either.
To make matters worse I realised in conversation yesterday evening that the last date I went on was 22 frikkin years ago.
To say I’m rusty is a massive understatement and this fills me with a sense of immediate dread.
Not only am I faced with a different landscape now (everything is online) but I’m also part of a completely different demographic.
Almost all of the opposite sex now have children and dating profiles are filled with ladies that are already parts of families, recently divorced or have taglines like ‘now it’s MY time’ – suggesting they’re finally escaping from the responsibilities of parental life and have pretty grown up offspring.
In this respect I’m even further out of my depth because I’ve never had any children of my own. Although I’m no idiot and can muddle through most situations, being in a situation where I’m potentially taking the place of someone’s father sounds terrifying.
It’s almost enough to make me remove the entire profile before anyone is stupid enough to contact me.
I’m not saying it’s something I can’t handle or don’t want to deal with (it might be a really nice family dynamic) – but I just don’t know where to begin when I feel so woefully unprepared
How the hell do I navigate all this?
There are some complex decisions that arrive with an unwanted feeling of complete paralysis – and this is one of them.
Unlike other problems I’ve overcome I don’t really know how to break this down into manageable chunks – because it’s not a physical objective – it’s an emotional and mental one where I have no easy frame of reference.
As soon as I approach it the weight of what may or may not happen buries me and I retreat to safer thoughts or go for a walk.
I come to no conclusions this way though and irritatingly I’m making precisely zero forward progress.
It’s still muggy outside – and honestly it’s apt – because that’s how my head feels at the moment too.