Firstly – thanks to everyone that contacted me after my last post.
Secondly – I apologise if for the most part I’ve been less communicative than usual. I’ve not completely emerged from my ‘blue period’ this week – but today I definitely feel a little better.
Not only is it Friday but in between periods of self imposed isolation this week I’ve been actively trying to turn my frown upside down.
There’s definitely mileage to be had in allowing yourself the space to feel bad here and there – but dwelling on negative thoughts for too long does no-one any good. At some point you have to give yourself a stern pimp-slap and just get on with things.
The world doesn’t stop turning just because you decide to be glum and sometimes it just comes down to a simple personal choice.
Am I going to be happy or miserable?
I’m really trying to consciously choose happy and (because I recognise that putting on weight also equals being completely miserable) for the last few days I’ve been working hard to turn around a gain on the scales.
I’m making progress. Whether I decide to weigh in or not tomorrow morning is another question entirely.
I’m in an unusual ‘informal’ place as a target member now. Officially I only have to weigh in every four weeks to keep my membership alive – so on paper the pressure is off.
However what I don’t want to do is enter into a ‘boom and bust’ cycle where I yo-yo up and down all the time because I feel that no-one’s watching me (although honestly that’s pretty hard to do when you have a blog like mine) and in this respect my scales of ultimate accuracy have been a life saver.
Believe it or not on Tuesday night (after a particularly hefty pig out) they suggested that I had edged back into the 15 stone bracket by 1/8th of a pound.
I’m sure a lot of this was undigested food and water – but even so – when I saw what I’d managed to do I was pretty annoyed with myself.
Without these unflinching arbiters of the truth I probably would have buried my head in the sand until Saturday morning. At this point I’d have been confronted with an impressive gain – which no doubt would have caused my frame of mind to dip even further.
Instead by midweek I was aware of what I’d done and after having a bit of a stern word with myself was able to take steps to address it.
By the time I stepped on them this evening (in socks and pants) I had made a significant impact – which is a real comfort. It lifted my spirits quite a bit.
However – I also decided to remind myself of where I was and where I am now – and first thing this morning decided to mind myself of the GOOD in my life. At the same time it was a great opportunity to spam the feeds of the poor fools that follow me on Instagram with another comparison shot of me now vs me from early February 2016.
The me on the left is still drinking heavily whilst trying to deal with the slow demise of his mother – who would be dead less than three weeks later.
He’s in emotional free-fall, self medicating as much as humanly possible and prone to bursting into tears in front of anyone without warning.
Furthermore he’s around 35 stone, type 2 diabetic, has high cholesterol, borderline hypertension, sleep apnea, crippling back and joint pain, and can’t walk much further than from his front door to the car 20ft away.
He also can’t fit in his bath and can’t bring himself to tell that secret to anyone in his life.
The guy on the right has pretty much everything he’s aimed for. He is medication and pain free and can walk over 22 miles in a day. He’s demonstrated that in two years he can do things that he never thought possible in a million years, and despite not being perfect he recognises that there’s no such thing. All he wants is to be happy and fit into the world around him.
In almost every area in life (apart from the occasional blip) he is happy and when it comes to the world he most definitely does fit.
There’s not a single item of clothing in his (ridiculously extensive) wardrobe that doesn’t fit, and his spare room contains several bin liners full of items that are now huge on him.
Sometimes it might take him a while to gather perspective but overall his lows last far less time than they ever used to and there’s never a hangover awaiting him in the morning after an awful night’s sleep filled with fears of suffocation and breathing difficulties.
My preoccupation earlier this week with suddenly feeling alone is something that’s ridiculous.
I’m no more alone today than I was the day before, or the one before that. The only thing that temporarily changed was my outlook. In truth I’m less alone now than I’ve ever been. I’m surrounded by people that care and I’m succeeding at life in all the areas that count.
I’m loved by others and I love them too.
I’m not paid a fortune, but then I don’t need one.
I don’t have a huge house full of expensive things because I don’t want them.
I’m not crippled with debt because I don’t need to buy items to make me happy.
I no longer bury my pain under layers of food and alcohol because I’ve moved past that. I experience things, embrace them (with the help of others) and move on.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that occasionally I have to remember to be more kind to myself and that’s what I’m doing.
Frank Turner knows what I’m talking about.
I like the cut of his jib.
Songs like this help because they send the right message. We have to be kind not only to other people but ourselves. It’s been my anthem today and I’ve had it on a loop in earphones as I’ve been working at my desk.
I urge anyone feeling a bit low to listen, follow it’s advice and be more kind to yourselves and each other internet.