One of the most important things to me is honesty in my posts and even though my natural impulse is to hibernate when I feel down I think it’s important to share things with the world be they positive or negative.
Too many people hide away when they feel down and it does nothing but make matters worse.
As painful and as counter intuitive as it can be to publicly admit weakness – I have seen again and again that when I do it’s helpful both to me as I write it all out and readers that struggle themselves.
I post now – not because I really want to (I really don’t if the truth be told) but because every time I’ve suppressed or glossed over my feelings in the past they’ve eventually come back to bite me sooner or later.
So – I feel very low – but why?
Honestly I’m not completely certain – but I think I know what started it.
There are a lot of people over the last two years that have said to me being a target member is an odd place to be. Many have also said how difficult they’ve found it.
I’m only in my second week (in many ways because of this I feel I should just shut up and get on with things) but I’m beginning to believe that the way I currently feel is caused by this new phase in ‘my journey’.
This week (and maybe even a little bit of last week) my thoughts associated with this have been quite complicated. I’ve kept a lot of them to myself or only talked about parts of them to friends as the topics have arisen.
I’ve been very conscious that voicing what could be perceived as negativity in a period that should be reserved for celebration is probably not something that’s expected.
After all – who complains about winning the lottery?
There’s so much to process though.
No-one gives you a manual for how to deal with an event like this. I didn’t really know what to expect from it and even though I’ve now experienced it I still don’t.
I couldn’t make sense of it then and I still can’t now.
When it happened I cried. Then I felt numb. Then I felt a sense of release. Then I felt happy. Then I felt overwhelmed. Then I felt muted. Then I felt strangely complete. Then I felt disappointed. Then I felt lonely. Then I felt down.
I’ve been left with a sense that I’ve climbed a massive mountain, and after doing so found myself sitting proudly at the top.
Whilst looking at the view I began to recognise that the only remaining courses of action were to remain where I was or to climb back down.
When you’ve defined your success in terms of one thing for so long it’s a very strange place to find yourself right where you dreamed of being.
Was it what you expected? What does it mean? What comes next? Do you climb another mountain?
More importantly does it make you happy?
The last week and a half has prompted me to dwell on many deeper thoughts about the world (and my place in it) that I’ve deferred for a long time.
I have completely out of the blue begun to feel really really alone – which is extremely unsettling.
This made me wonder why I suddenly felt that way – and I came to the conclusion that for a while it seemed that everyone appeared to be saying to me ‘now all we have to do is find you a partner’.
Normally I laugh this off.
After all – I didn’t need to think about this until I was ‘fixed’. The problem is that now theoretically I am – so what’s my excuse? Do I want it or do other people want it for me?
Am I feeling this way because I’m really worried about this or is it just other people’s thoughts about who or what I should be that are causing me to linger on such emotions?
I genuinely don’t know.
What do I do with my new body? Do I offer it to someone else? Do I do anything at all with it? Do I carry on as normal? Do I force the issue?
What DO I do?
I feel all of a sudden like I’m frozen in amber and paralysed by the options in front of me.
As always over thinking isn’t necessarily helping. Naval gazing and my sudden need anaesthetise myself by eating everything in sight is something that can’t continue.
Irritatingly I thought I was past this kind of behaviour.
This week the scales have reacted angrily to my current (and thankfully now very much out of character) method of coping with a downward mood swing and when I stepped on them today I was reminded that nothing is without consequence.
I’ll find myself out of target by Saturday unless I’m very focused and careful over the next few days – so to add insult to injury now I’ve re-added stress about weight loss to my other negative thoughts.
Tonight though I still feel a dark mood lingering and it shows no signs of dissipating any time soon.
I’ll keep you updated on where this goes but in the meantime I’m just going to try and work through it.
Hopefully normal service will be resumed ASAP. I don’t like feeling this… blue.
Aaaaaanyway – onto other news.
It seems I’m not the only one feeling a bit glum. My recently injured twalking buddy is also still under the weather.
Since there were many well wishers on my blog, Facebook and social media sending her their collective hugs (I passed them on) I thought it only fair (with her permission of course) to let you know the latest.
After a follow up visit to the hospital today it seems that the prognosis is far from improved and that she is now the owner of some new footwear to match her shiny sticks.
Unlike a nice pair of boots from a swanky boutique however this particular inflatable one must remain in situ for 6-8 weeks.
In the meantime she has orders to stay off her feet.
Knowing how much she loves the outdoors I’m sure that this hasn’t done much for her frame of mind so she can rest assured that I’ll be popping over for coffee and a chat as often as I can.
Think good thoughts everyone. Hopefully she’ll be mended soon!