Now I’m close to my target weight I’ve noticed that my thoughts about getting there (and where ‘there’ actually is) are pretty much inescapable.
I just can’t get the subject out of my head.
I find that again and again I’m woken up in the middle of the night by dreams relating to this – and they’re continually racing toward one (usually unreachable) conclusion or another about where I should plant my ‘target flag’.
I’m also opening my eyes in the middle of a dream that confuses the present and the past me – which often leave me wide awake and feeling confused about who I (physically) am for a few moments.
It sometimes takes a short while to realise that I don’t need to panic when I wake up lying on my back or right side. I used to be unable to breathe in these positions and from time to time when I regain consciousness I’m immediately alarmed by my orientation and my pulse begins to race.
I lose all sense of the present in these moments and I’m instead overwhelmed by a fear that I’ll suffocate. When this happens I’m temporarily transported back to the past – which is not a nice place to be.
Yesterday I just gave up and turned the lights on at 5.30am. I had things to do anyway so I thought that I might as well make a start. It’s always a plus though – because there’s usually a nice sunrise to be enjoyed on a cold and frosty morning – and yesterday was no exception.
It may sound like an odd time to worry about this kind of thing. After all, being close to realising my hopes and dreams is a good place to be.
I over think a lot in life. I can’t help it.
On the plus side it means that people (who want to) get to read lots of my blogs. On the downside my brain is often so knotted up that I need to write them at a ridiculous time of the morning instead of sleeping.
Thankfully now that I’m much fitter I don’t seem to need all that much downtime.
In an effort to become a bit like the rest of the world, this week I did something that I’d previously sworn I wouldn’t do. After a minor meltdown and a long talk with my Slimming World consultant (she’s pretty great) I walked home, and then drove to Argos to buy myself a pair of bathroom scales.
They aren’t just any bathroom scales however. They’re Weight Watchers ‘Ultimate Accuracy‘ ones – which are hopefully quite unlike the ones I purchased from a charity shop a while back.
I didn’t expect much from those (they cost a pound) but they should have come with a sticker that read ‘WARNING – these scales will deviate by a margin of one plus or minus one stone each time you step on them. Use for comedy value only.’
To be clear – my consultant didn’t suggest I buy this pair of scales (they are after all made by the enemy) and I didn’t tell her I was going to.
I didn’t know myself that I was about to buy them at the time I was talking to her.
The thought came to me as I walked home in the drizzly dark – and I decided as I strolled and thought things over that I needed to become capable of maintaining my weight in the same way that ‘naturally thin’ people do.
I use this term with my tongue firmly in my cheek because no-one is naturally anything.
Instead what these kinds of people do far better than I ever used to is identify when they’re overdone things and take steps to address the problem. I want to use my new scales to regularly monitor my weight, and modify my eating habits based on what they report the damage to be.
I hope that I won’t use them to beat myself up or to berate myself with guilt – but only time will be tell. I instead want to be able to say ‘oooh – I went up a little bit so now I should eat a little less tomorrow’.
Wanting to prove that I’ve come this far is not the only reason though.
Not owning bathroom scales has a major downside.
I want to finally get away from the rollercoaster of thoughts that’s gone through my head on practically every Friday evening and Saturday morning since I joined Simming World.
In this period I typically turn my brain inside out trying to guess whether everything will be good or bad and I’m endlessly attempting to figure out whether I’ve eaten too much or not completed enough exercise.
I can’t sleep and it’s next to impossible to properly relax.
After a week like the one I’ve just had this is exactly what I’d already been doing by Thursday afternoon.
Last Saturday was a food tasting event at group and at the same time the scales reported that I had also gained two pounds. Usually either event can cause me to overeat (oh the irony) but when combined they managed to kick start the consumption of pretty much every nice thing in my house over a 24 hour period.
I clearly needed to get this ‘eat everything including my pillows’ impulse out of my system – and I try not to do guilt any more -but by the time my resolve had returned on Sunday evening I was convinced I’d screwed up another week.
It was at this point that I stopped myself from ruminating on feelings of failure and instead thought ‘**** this – I’m going for it. I’m cutting one meal a day out until I’m back on track.’
Although this may seem like I suddenly went into ‘diet mode’ it occurred to me in that moment that I’ve worked with plenty of very healthy people fasting for Ramadan for many years – and when they removed all food during the day it wasn’t actually a bad thing.
Fasting can have a lot of health benefits and not a single one of them seemed to suffer unduly, so I’ve been fasting all day (for five days in a row) and eating a hearty meal in the evening.
This kind of behaviour (I think) is what sets me apart from the old me that would have had a bad day and then followed it with another and another and another ad infinitum.
You know what?
My new scales say this has been successful…
Only time will tell though whether they are indeed scales of ‘Ultimate Accuracy’ or ‘Ultimate Fallacy’. I hope that I lose the weight tomorrow that I think I’ve lost according to them…
In other news this week I had a photo taken by my new workplace’s resident camera jockey and got both a colour and a black and white version of it in my inbox today. Not only do I like it – but it’s a great visual reminder of how far I’ve come.
I couldn’t help but making a side by side photo comparison and tried as best I could to match the top of my head with the bottom of my chin in both the old and new pictures.
Who knew I had so much extra face back then?!
Tune in tomorrow internet when I’ll reveal what the scales at group say compared to the ones of Ultimate Accuracy!!!