For the longest time now I’ve been having a variation of the same dream over and over again. It’s related to an old relationship – and whilst the dream itself makes me happy as it’s happening when I wake up and realise it’s just a fantasy I’m usually crestfallen and feel low for the whole day.
This morning I awoke early after having a very different kind of dream. It was completely new in every respect – and although the themes were similar the participants were different – as was my self image whilst it was taking place.
In the dream I was me as I am now – with all of my imperfections – and even when my fictional partner pointed out my saggy bits in a less than complementary way I stood with my hands on my hips and proclaimed that I felt only pride when looking in the mirror.
I didn’t care what someone else thought. I’d fought hard to be the man I am now.
I awoke with a feeling that I’d somehow turned a subconscious corner. Whereas in previous dreams I’d been worried by other people’s opinions, ashamed of my saggy bits or trying to hide myself from others this one was new.
I was a Postman in the dream – doing an active job (proudly) delivering Christmas post, and when (through a rather odd chain of events) I eventually ended up disrobing and had someone pointing at me they were quickly joined by another person (dressed like Santa no less) who proclaimed that they were amazed at what I’d managed to achieve and my chest swelled with pride.
I didn’t feel small, weak or insignificant and the dream (although being a bit fruity) wasn’t just about sex – it was about body confidence.
It was me saying to myself that I no longer cared what people thought because I was happy with who I’ve become and the man that I’ve made of myself.
I felt strong and in control and this carried over into real life when I opened my eyes.
Well – at least until I started coughing. This I don’t seem to be able to control.
I’ve now had the flu (or a winter cold – or whatever this is) for almost two weeks, and although I’m powering through it couldn’t really have come at a more inconvenient time.
First of all I started my new job (which so far seems to be going well) and on the day I began I was almost completely without a voice.
Today I’m a bit better – but I now have an annoying cough developing and along with my sore throat it’s getting right on my nerves.
It’s ok though. I can deal with it – but honestly I don’t hold out much hope for my weigh in at the moment.
Lately this hasn’t really bothered me too much because I’ve seen my progress for what it is – a collection of ups and downs with an overall downward trend. Blips are all part of the process.
However I had an unexpected call the other day (I’ll go into detail next week hopefully on that score) that’s made me a bit more mindful of where I am with regard to target.
Put simply I all of a sudden feel some real pressure to get a loss (or at the very least a maintain) and it’s playing on my mind.
Whereas I was making progress with portion sizes previously, this week I think I’ve been backsliding a little and not managing to modify my behaviour quite so effectively.
It’s really hard sometimes to look at food and gauge how much I should be eating vs how much I think I can get away with eating.
Consuming food ‘until I’m satisfied’ is still an elusive goal that I’m only ever comfortable to say ‘I’m working towards’.
There’s so much that sits behind every motivation to take another mouthful that often I have no idea what satisfies me or why.
A lot of the time I have to rely on a conscious decision to put the brakes on rather than a feeling that I’ve eaten enough and it’s more than easy to just ignore my better judgement and have another apple. Or two. Or three. Or four.
On the bright side of course they’re apples and not Big Mac meals, so there is that.
In other news I had an important ‘first’ recently. This was the very first time in my life that anyone has ever said to me ‘don’t lose any more weight – you look just fine’.
It kind of blew me away if I’m honest.
I know I need to lose more to make myself happy – so I’m carrying on – but I think I’ve decided that my target is now DEFINITELY being changed to 14st 8.5lbs.
This will mean that I’ll have lost 20 stone – which in my mind sounds like a nice round number.
I’ve also decided that there are a couple of anniversaries coming up that (if I managed to reach my goal by either) it would be a nice convergence of circumstance. The first is late January and the second is late February.
I’m hesitant to say that I’ll do anything by either date because truthfully I want the whole process to be as organic as possible – but if I do it then all the better – and I’ll explain the significance of them closer to the time.
On that note internet it’s almost bed time and This little imaginary postman needs his beauty sleep!