It’s getting colder – and snow is forecast tomorrow.
This morning I got DRENCHED walking to work – but I have to say there’s a certain stoic pleasure arriving in the office looking like a drowned rat.
Mere mortals use their cars on days like today – but real men (and those focused on getting to target) WALK TO WORK COME RAIN OR SHINE!!!
Since it’s cold this evening (but thankfully not raining any more) and my 3 mobile Wuntu app has given me a FREE drink today (I like this kind of price. It’s my absolute FAVOURITE) I’ve ducked into a Costa coffee shop on the way home to snuggle up in the warm before tackling the next leg of my journey.
I’m currently half way down a large Americano and I’m in a terrific mood. The world can do its worst to me. I don’t care. Life is GOOD.
Everything is Christmassy in town and it’s hard not to smile when you see a big tree in the square.
I have to say though – my pessimism toward the possibility of having a loss this weekend is becoming quite evident – and I’ve pretty much convinced myself that it’s not going to be a good result on the scales come Saturday.
This isn’t because I’ve been eating badly mind you. I’m just sure that (given my topsy-turvy up/down history over the last few months) that I’m about due a maintain – particularly because of my epic and completely unexpected loss last week.
Who knows though? I could get my 19st certificate. It’s possible. Stranger things have happened!
Either way it doesn’t matter too much. Lately I’m judging myself much more on fitness and clothing than I ever used to – and boy am I enjoying fitting into more and more nice clothes!
I’ve also realised that two other areas that were previously concerns (of a sort) are for no immediately apparent reason changing in the background.
Firstly – portion sizes.
I’ve been experimenting with reducing the amount that I take to work with me. I know that the only other things available in the kitchen are pre packaged beige crap (crisps biscuits and chocolate) and that even if I was dying of hunger that I’d never eat them.
I just can’t bring myself to do it anymore. I’ve lost the taste for them.
Therefore I eat only what I have – and you know what? It’s satisfying me – and no one is more surprised than I am! However this is only a partial win as my evening meal portion sizes are still leaving a LOT to be desired.
I think (in common with most other slimmers out there) that my danger zone is still late at night, when boredom masquerades as hunger and I often struggle to differentiate between the two.
However – progress is progress and Rome wasn’t built in a day. Never in my life have I been satisfied with eating such small amounts and the longer that goes on the more I’ll get used to it.
Secondly – body self image.
Oddly the two questions I’m always asked about my weight loss are ‘Do you feel different? You MUST feel different!’ and ‘What do you do with all the skin?’
The first question often just makes me laugh. I mean – where do you start to answer something like that? Of course I feel different – but do I answer it simply? The truth it it’s almost impossible now – because everything is different.
There’s no aspect of my life that remains untouched by my weight loss.
However it’s the last question that’s (at times) preoccupied me the most because it’s a daily reality when I look in the mirror.
Truthfully I’ve thought about it more when I start to think about relationships than I do as something that generally gets me down. When it comes down to it (within reason) I don’t mind looking saggy in the mirror when I feel so good inside.
Although I like to look nice thankfully I’m not really all that vain.
However I’ve realised that my willingness to take pictures of myself (with clothes on) and a corresponding personal pact with myself to look regularly in the mirror (without them on) and try to accept who I am is paying off.
I’m no longer as fearful and worried by this aspect of weight loss as I once was – and that’s partially because there’s nothing I can do to change it. I refused to butcher myself with gastric band surgery and I will not do the same for the sake of vanity.
It’s not an option that’s ever been on the table in my mind.
If I’m not loved for my imperfections then I’d rather not be loved. As much as I like to think that I’d fall for someone’s personality I have come to accept that (whoever this masochistic person may turn out to be in the end) that they must do the same with me.
I’m proud of what’s left behind actually. I can see (dare I say the word?) evidence of a journey when I look in the mirror and a reminder of the struggle that I’ve gone through to learn that I can be a better man – and that I can love myself for who I am and what I’ve accomplished.
It’s taken a long time to get to how I feel today – but I thought that it was important to say here in my blog – because I know that when people ask me about excess skin in terms of weight loss that they’re often asking because they too are losing weight – and like I did they worry about what will remain.
What they’re really saying when they ask ‘how do you deal with all the skin?’ Is ‘how will I find a way to deal with it. Please help.’
Well – I’m here to tell you that if you focus on your goal and try to forget about things like this eventually they just sort themselves out.
Sure it requires a bit of work internet – but nothing worth having is easy is it?
You can do it. Never believe otherwise.