If I’m honest I’ve been in a bit of a grump today. Outwardly this (I think) wouldn’t have been apparent – but deep down I know I’ve not been firing on all cylinders.
I also know why.
This isn’t funny.
Well – I guess it is and it isn’t. Today I don’t feel it is.
The more weight I lose the more my butt begins to resemble my brain, and whilst I’m acutely aware of the mileage this visual parity affords me in terms of jokes and self deprecating humour there are times (like now) when I don’t see the funny side at all.
I just look at my twin walnuts and think ‘what have you done to yourself you ****ing idiot?’
In moments like this a deeper part of me even asks whether or not I should carry on losing weight at all – and whether I’m just better keeping some of my current heft to fill increasingly loose areas of skin.
These thoughts don’t come very often but when they do they tend to dovetail into other satellite worries and become more than they really need to be.
Last night I had an epically real ‘girlfriend’ dream. It was one where I woke up on a high, thinking that the dream was real, that I was happy and in love – until moments later when the penny dropped, which left me feeling crestfallen and lonely.
Ultimately I got back to sleep and had another (better) dream – but just like with a really bad nightmare the fallout from such subconscious self flagellation hangs around long after it arrives and simply refuses to leave.
It was in this frame of mind that I started comparing myself to another slimmer on Instagram (not something I normally do) and then at 6.30am on the loo found myself fixating on the fact that he was celebrating getting into a pair of 36 inch waist trousers. He’d dropped 15 stone to do this and was justifiably proud. He’s now around the same weight as I am and he’s doing great.
In contrast my waistline is between 42 and 40 at the moment. Just like him I started with a 66 inch waist.
Clearly (to a man sitting alone in the dark on the bog at 6.30am with an arse like a saggy Bassett Hound that has successful relationships in dreams only) this meant I was a failure.
It’s utter nonsense of course. Nothing could be further from the truth. My posterior may be saggier than it used to be but it is also very muscular under the surface.
My subconscious relationship worries may play themselves out in my dreams occasionally but I’m not a lonely man and I know when I decide to find someone that it will happen.
I also know that everyone has a different body type and that other epic slimmer probably carries his weight somewhere other than his waist – which is where most of mine collects. I’m no better or worse and it’s not a competition.
This mature and well reasoned logical self awareness didn’t stop me angrily storming out of the house and around the park several times before work this morning though.
Not even the serenity of last year’s grown up swanling (who came over to say hello as I walked past) managed to placate me – and when I arrived at work to continue the day’s training I felt stupid and unworthy for most of the day.
It wasn’t until much later in the evening (whilst twalking with a friend) that my mood even partially lifted.
There was a time that (on an unconscious level) I believed that a problem shared was just a problem that two people now had.
I don’t think that way anymore. Everyone reading this is part of my process.
Talking is good – either on the page to an invisible audience or to a friend you’ve known for years.
Even if you aren’t looking for an answer, just saying some or all of what’s worrying you out loud and yanking it out of the shadows is enough – and doing it with exercise mixed in is even better.
So far (partly because of how I feel) I’m still keeping up my 10 mile a day average (I’ve done 12.5 today!) and it’s this that makes the difference between a day where I sink or swim.
As long as I keep moving and keep doing something – anything – to maintain my momentum then I’m good. If I do this then I can see progress – even if it’s not on the scales.
Plus (when I remember to bring food bags) I also get free healthy treats – and tonight, when I’ve finished writing this I’m going to have a bowl of fat free natural yogurt, chopped banana, cinnamon and the bag of blackberries that I walked four miles to obtain.
Food rarely comes as guilt free as this.
I’m going to savour this while I eat it internet – and try to think good thoughts so that tonight I get some better dreams.