Very naughty boy

I did something I swore I would never do again yesterday. I’ve cautioned others against this behaviour in the past, so it’s only fair that I ‘fess up’ and be completely honest about falling off the wagon.

I’ve been a very naughty boy.

After I dropped my Dad off at the train station yesterday I popped into a couple of charity shops to see if I could find any cheap clothing bargains. It’s become ‘my thing‘ over the last couple of weeks since I found my Penguin jacket and cheap combat shorts and all of my shirts and tee-shirts are beginning to look a bit baggy.

However – I found nothing except M&S soft furry pastel coloured elasticated pensioner trousers and decided to give up for the day.

Then, as I was walking out empty handed from the last of these shops a new item was (literally) placed on the floor in front of me by a nefarious shop assistant.

A set of bathroom scales.

My lifelong enemy.

My doctor once (around 7 years ago) when his bathroom scales couldn’t weigh me went next door to his colleague, came back with a second identical unit and made me stand on two at the same time. I had one foot on each as they pinged and crunched beneath me for maximum embarrassment – and the combined readings were completely inaccurate.

In contrast these were smaller, visually in good condition – but most importantly the analogue dial went up to 20st – so I stood on them. Surprisingly they didn’t grind or break under my weight like the ones I’ve stood on in the past.

For some reason this alone was a good enough reason to make a purchase. I didn’t even look down at the dial. I just stepped off, picked them up and walked to the till.

After a tiny bit of haggling (it had no price tag so in my mind this was justified – even in a charity shop) I handed over two shiny pound coins and carried home my new personal torture device.

I refer to it in these terms because I don’t think I’ve bought a particularly precise scientific instrument.

Far from it in fact. 

The scales instead appear to be a magic mirror that’s designed to tell me I’m a pretty little princess whenever I stand on them.

According to these scales I’m 18st 1lb – which is absolutely nuts – and HIGHLY unlikely. Two weeks ago the Slimming World ones read 19st 7.5lbs and I very much doubt that I’ve lost a stone and a half since then.

To make matters worse I stood on them an hour later and I was 17 and a half!

So – these scales are already messing with my mind. I’ve yet to weigh in today (it’s 8am) and the figure on this little dial is simultaneously making me expect a big loss – but at the very same time causing me to be worried that I’ll be sorely disappointed because these scales are just a lying piece of crap and that it won’t happen – or that (even worse still) I’ll have gained weight.

I wish I’d never wasted the two pounds now because my mind is turning cartwheels on the subject and I still have a couple of hours before I’ll find out the truth…

(Author stops writing and gets ready for group)

Well the scales were lying scumbags – but who cares?! Although the list says I lost 10lbs it’s actually 10.5 if the numbers are right – but I suspect I may be 18st 11.5lbs rather than the round number on the page.

Either way I’ve gone down a good chunk and I’m really happy! All my worries about food intake in Snowdonia and my increased appetite afterwards appear to have been unfounded.

I now have my fifteen and a half stone certificate!!!

I also have another positive thing to focus on.

I had a blood test yesterday (previously I’ve been feeling light headed when standing up and wanted to be sure nothing was wrong) – and asked the nurse to test my blood pressure before she popped the needle in.

Last time it was 110/70. This time (just after a mile walk to the surgery and without food or water so far that morning) it was 119/67.

I’m still rather new to understanding blood pressure readings and am relying on both what the practice tells me and the internet. The nurse told me it was perfect – but since I’m Marvin the paranoid android I double checked elsewhere.

Yay for non scale victories!

I’m ‘ideal‘!

So far so good then – although I still need the blood test results. So far nothing appears to be growing where it’s not supposed to (I still have only one head and no new reproductive organs) so I’m hopeful it’s just nothing and that I’m not gestating a xenomorph.

Quite a few people reading my blog have commented that they too have experienced the same phenomenon with weight loss (and middle age) so I’m not going to worry unless my doctor tells me to!

In the meantime I’m trying to raise my blood pressure a little with a large brown nectar of life from Starbucks.

I have to make the most of opportunities to exercise and get out today because according to the weather reports tomorrow it’s going to be a tiny bit difficult to predict what to wear. 

Needless to say internet I probably won’t have a single thing to say as I sit indoors tomorrow watching cats and dogs fall from the sky, followed by frogs, buckets and electric eels.



  1. Congratu-effing-lations! You are a bloody superstar!

    And keep the blogs coming please, you know your loyal readers need regular updates 👍

    Liked by 1 person

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