I spoke too soon about the rain holding off yesterday. When I woke up this morning it was chucking it down – and the whole world looked damp and miserable.
I know that this is a stark indicator of my potential mood for the day because on any other morning I’d look out of the window and think ‘the world looks fresh and clean’ but today I didn’t.
Instead I flopped dejectedly back down on my bed feeling fat. As I was lying on my side reading I looked over at my (naked) profile and instantly felt crestfallen. Sometimes I can’t bear my own reflection. I’m not overly fond of looking at myself without clothes even on my absolutely best day.
This is where I can easily mentally self-sabotage – and I know from experience that I have to be hyper aware of my thought processes before they turn too far inward and I start beating myself up basically for just being me.
Although I no longer self sabotage with food when my mood dips, sometimes there are worse impulses – and these are ones that undermine your sense of self worth and esteem. It’s in lower moments like this morning (which arrive with no apparent reason or warning) that if I’m left in mental isolation I can convince myself that I’ll be alone forever.
This is particularly galling because 95% of the time I never feel lonely.
Going to Slimming World on days like this is a tough sell – and honestly I didn’t feel like attending group today. I wanted to stay in bed, sure that I was getting fatter instead of thinner and hiding under the duvet.
I lay there convincing myself more and more, moment by moment that I would again be over 20 stone when I stepped on the scales. This thought kept churning over and over in my mind until I could think of nothing else.
I really didn’t want to go.
However I promised myself that I’d never do that ever again, regardless of how I felt, and seeing the people there makes me happier and more positive. Whether the news is good or bad we always support eachother.
So I got up, trimmed my hair, had a shave, had a shower, ironed my clothes for the day, made a coffee, popped on my nice apple lip balm (every boy needs an apple chapstick) made sure I was presentable – and headed out.
Right up until the moment the scales read out my weight I was convinced it would be a gain.
The mind is a powerful and self deluding thing sometimes – and I’ve just proved it (again!!!) because today I lost 3.5lbs…
As I stepped off the scales I was feeling both happiness that I’d managed to get my milestone certificate and also annoyance that once more I’d spent the entire morning metaphorically crawling up the walls of the inside of my head.
This takes me to a total of 15 stones (and one pound) lost overall. Hopefully I’m in the ‘teens’ to stay now. It would take a brutally apocalyptic week of kebabs and pizza to throw me back to the twenties again, which is a real comfort because I don’t think that side of me exists anymore. ‘New’ Davey might overeat but if he does he’ll eat a jar of gherkins or a pack of crunchy tomatoes and then some cottage cheese.
He hasn’t been to the kebab shop since the beginning of April 2016.
It’s not like I can relax and ‘eat all the pies’ or anything – but it means I don’t have to be quite so on edge about ‘the teens’ (which as you can tell is a huge deal to me) and hopefully I won’t be stressing like an idiot about it any more.
Anyway. It’s done. I’ve stopped myself snatching defeat from the jaws of victory again – and this didn’t happen just because of my results on the scales.
I need endorphins. Every day.
Since I don’t do naughty things any more these have to come from exercise – and as soon as I got home I set out on a four mile walk (the really long way) into Leamington across fields and the railway around the back of Old Milverton and along the Kenilworth Road.
(As a side note I’m absolutely falling in love with OS maps – and found yet another new walk today. I can’t thank my friend enough for letting me use her subscription. She’s ace!)
- The only way I seem truly happy these days is when I’ve been waking or exercising.
- I need coffee and Leamington has lots of it.
- I discovered on Friday (non scale victory alert!) that charity shops have jeans in my size range now that I’m down to a 42 waist -so I wanted to have a mooch and see what I could find.
- Apple Watch promised me an achievement if I walked a continuous 3.5 miles today. It knows how to motivate me. I smashed it.
It’s important to remember (if you’re doing anything life changing and challenging) that the best days don’t always come with the best moods – and that you have to keep your eye on the prize.
How much worse would I have felt if I had found myself standing in a kebab shop instead of slimming world today?
Pretty frikkin bad internet.
Remember that the only thing that can sabotage you is YOU. If you do it all the time then you’re normal. You’re not weird.
It’s ok to be a little bit broken sometimes – just remember to love yourself, whatever you think you look or feel like. It’s almost guaranteed that no-one else sees you the same way that you do at your lowest ebb.
You’re stronger than you think and you can do more than you can possibly imagine.
All you have to do is keep trying, even when you don’t want to.