Well the first full week of my new job is over – and today was the crunch day. What had sitting all week done to me? Had I lost any weight?
On almost every day since last week (I had a little wobble last night and ‘used up’ all the nice things such as ham and flavoured cottage cheese in my fridge) I have been very good indeed.
I’ve been eating lots of fish and either salad or stir fry every day – and taking it to work for lunch (in much smaller portions than I normally have) along with an apple or two.
(my dinner on Friday was salmon, prawns, broccoli, a bag of stir fry vegetables and some peas with soy sauce)
I’ve not eaten off plan once. Even slips like last night have been accounted for.
I’m still preoccupied by the walking though. I already miss having the time to meander from A to B at my own (usually quite brisk) pace profoundly, and I can’t stop thinking about whether I’m doing enough or not.
As I type I’m still perspiring. It’s 4pm and I’ve just climbed off my exercise bike after my usual 30 minute hill climb. I’ve also walked around seven miles prior to this so far today – and have just filled my cardio ring on Apple Watch twice over. I have more planned for tomorrow and will do the same distances again on Sunday if not more.
I’ve got to make the most of the weekend.
My ‘excuse’ for an early morning walk (before Slimming World) today was that I needed trousers – badly. The last pair I purchased were actually for job interviews (link) in early December, and I’ve been hitching them up and pulling them in with my belt in order to keep them up in my new job all week.
They don’t look stupid but they make me feel a little self conscious if I’m honest – plus I only had one pair, which means there was no choice but to wash and wear.
Before I went out I thought I’d check the label in the old trousers – which were made from quite comfortable material and just try for a smaller pair in the same range. I was a bit surprised by the sizing when I looked in the back. I hadn’t realised they were a 56in waist.
The jeans I currently wear are a 50in waist – but if there’s anything I’ve realised it’s that sizes vary wildly, so when I arrived at the shop I cautiously asked for a 52in – which much to my annoyance fitted perfectly.
I begrudgingly bought two pairs – one in grey and another in black.
I know it really shouldn’t matter. It’s just a label – but it’s a higher number than the one in my jeans and it means I’m annoyed with myself.
This is regardless of the fact that I can actually get a pair of 48in jeans on now
I will say though that (despite being able to do up the waistband button on the denims I tried today) it’s not flattering, and I think visually wearing them in company may even constitute some kind of crime that’s related to gross public indecency if I ventured outdoors.
Maybe another day then. The 48’s can wait.
The gentleman in the shop was kind enough to turn my trousers up an inch for me while I tried on tops and other items – until half an hour later when I left the shop with a nice smart 4XL brown check shirt and my newly shortened trousers.
But stupidly – as I walked away with my carrier bag – I was falling into my usual trap.
The trousers I bought in December were falling down. They were at least four inches too big – and yet I was telling myself I was a failure because of a number tag that said 52 in the back of my new pair.
I started at a 66in waist back in January and was wearing 64in when I started SW – which now look ridiculous on me (link). Why on earth was I thinking thoughts about anything other than success?!!
If I’m honest when I arrived to weigh in I was still stuck in this train of thought. I felt deflated and a bit low – and in between the clothes shop and the meeting I had convinced that I was about to compound the horrible number in the back of my new trousers with a bad result on the scales.
I ended up losing a pound and a half and picked up my much coveted 11.5st award as well.
It’s a massive milestone.
Again though I still took this in much the same way as I did the number in my trousers. I had lost weight – and yet it still felt like I’d not done enough.
However this is why I go to a group.
As always, they were lively, happy, friendly and there were lots of hugs. People shared their thoughts and tips – and one delightful young lady even shared the unwanted contents of her kitchen with me (I now have larger slow cooker – yay!) which was gratefully received!
By the time the group had finished I felt a little better, but my mojo was still partially missing in action.
Then, as we were stacking up the chairs and getting ready to leave someone said something to me that changed my whole outlook not only on the day but on where I was before vs where I am now.
It wasn’t a throw away comment either – and it meant a lot to me.
Honestly I don’t think anyone’s said anything like that to me for a very long time and it changed my perspective significantly on how other people might see me now.
Given my feelings after the firework incident the other evening I don’t think it could have come at a better time – and as I sit here typing with my exercise bike cooling down in the corner it’s oddly not my certificate, or the numbers in my book that I’m thinking about.
It’s that one thing that someone took the time to walk over and say to me, because they thought I might need to hear it.
So – once again I’m reminded that other people (such as the cheerful and chatty companion on my walk this afternoon) make life worth living.
If I followed my old patterns, and listened in isolation to all the negative crap that I can beat myself up with I would probably get no-where, or even begin to backslide on days where I can’t seem to make sense of my feelings.
However, again and again people step out of no-where when I least expect it and pick me up and elevate my thoughts – bringing me back to where I need to be.
There are lots and lots of negative things in the world – but my certificate and my group are NOT among of them. Today my loss is not just a number.
It means a lot lot more.