It seems that at times I’m still my own worst enemy. Even after all my progress lately I’m at times (irritatingly) prone to looking at the worst aspects of my life and feeling glum about things when deep down I know I have a lot to be grateful for.
I suppose that this week’s darker mood has been coming for quite a while. For one reason or another I think I’ve not really confronted the reality of being made redundant since it happened. My focus has instead been elsewhere, and pointed almost exclusively toward my health and fitness.
Everything else has been a secondary consideration.
Such single minded focus (whilst useful for losing weight) is a double edged sword sometimes. Whilst I’ve made big inroads towards where I want to get to in life from a health perspective, sometimes I’m still emotionally very fragile. My growing (but fledgeling) self confidence can easily be dragged down, and when this happens (annoyingly) it’s usually ME that does it rather than anyone else.
After my ‘walk’ around Ryton Woods on Sunday I’m also again suffering with an injury to my leg that’s stopped me going out and it’s not helping my positivity.
Once more I chose to ignore the pain and walk through it, and once more I’m having to learn the hard way that I can’t do things like this. It just ends (like it did walking with my friend on Tuesday) in a situation where I’m literally hopping in pain by the side of the road as I inevitably pull/tear whatever it is in my shin that has decided that it doesn’t want to play ball at the moment.
So once more I’m confined to the house, and once more it’s hit my previously positive frame of mind like a sledgehammer through a pane of glass.
All this has been compounded by registering for unemployment benefits recently and having to lay myself bare before a government department in an interview in order to get a weekly handout.
At least that’s the way it feels to me in my current frame of mind. I’m not ungrateful for the support, and the lady I spoke to at the Jobcentre was actually very nice.
I’m just not used any more to being told what to do by officialdom, and I’ve managed my own affairs for so long that I dislike the sense that I have to rely on them for anything. I resent even more the need to account for my daily whereabouts and availability. However, it’s a price worth paying and is the reality of the process I’ve embarked upon to find another job.
My initial feelings about the available jobs locally are ones of dismay. Although there is no part of my mind that doesn’t believe I will find a job eventually the whole process of putting my CV out there and applying for positions is providing fuel for the worst elements of my personality. These are the parts of me who (if left to their own devices) will convince me that my worth is much much lower than it actually is.
To compound my less than stellar feelings about myself yesterday I fell (partially) for a phishing scam after signing up to multiple job sites. I replied without thinking to a e-mail about a role locally which seemed like it offered good money. It turned out instead to be a scammer pestering me over and over to open dodgy attachments in order to view ‘the role’ which would allegedly pay me ridiculous amounts for doing next to nothing from home.
Although I realised what was going on before opening any of the documents (which would no doubt have installed trojans and other nasty things on my computer) this moment of stupidity compounded some already pretty downbeat thoughts about myself and feelings about the whole process of looking for work.
Primarily it made me feel stupid and more than a little bit alone just at the point when I was trying to focus on my sense of self worth and suitability for a position of responsibility.
I guess this week I’m probably feeling personal isolation more acutely than I have for many years, and it’s not pleasant. In reality I still have excellent support structures around me and great friends – but all of a sudden I have begun to feel a bit like it’s me vs the world.
I don’t like writing about this, and regular readers will note that my blog has been quiet this week. I also don’t want to appear as if I’m moaning or feeling sorry for myself. However when I don’t write people soon start asking me (which is lovely and I’m very grateful it happens) if I’m ok and what’s wrong.
I went for a coffee this afternoon with just such a friend who closed our conversation today with ‘I look forward to reading your blog.’ I suspect this meant (in the most supportive and nicest way possible) ‘get back on the horse and pull your socks up.’
It’s good advice – and as always I only hurt myself when I hibernate. However if I’m going to write about it I’m also going to try and counter my downbeat side by attempting to draw the positives out of my week.
Firstly I haven’t gone off plan with my diet. Although Saturday and Sunday were both days where I ate out, the meals were all accounted for and in target. I’ve maybe eaten a bit more than I should at the start of the week but I’ve made up for that with soups and good home cooking ever since.
As always I don’t know what the scales will say tomorrow but I’m hopeful they will be kind to me.
Secondly I’ve also been going through my old clothes in an effort to order my wardrobe and decide what’s now junk to take to charity and what’s current. Just for fits and giggles I tried on my old 66 inch waisted jeans. I contrasted them with the fawn coloured pair below which are a 54 inch waist.
(Apologies for the grim lighting. Blame the eco-lightbulbs in my house. They save the planet but don’t help with smartphone photos!)
It does make me sit up and take notice when I look at changes like this – and enables me (at least in part) to remember that even though I might feel a bit low now, it’s absolutely NOTHING compared to how low I would feel having to go and look for work at 34 stone 8.5 pounds when I could hardly stand up, let alone walk to the Jobcentre.
Thirdly – I’ve started the process of getting another job. Every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and mine has to begin somewhere. I may not feel it yet but what I’ve done this week has all been positive and ALL of it is part of a process that will improve my life and future.
So, here’s hoping that tomorrow’s weigh in goes as planned, that my CV will eventually spark interest in a local employer (I’d ideally like to walk to work in the future rather than drive), that officialdom will be kind to me, that my leg will improve, and that it will finally stop frikking raining outside.
Onward and upward internet!