I was talking to one of the lovely ladies from group outside Slimming World this morning and for some reason started comparing my weight loss mentality to capitalism.
It felt like an odd thing to say when it randomly fell out of my mouth but as I expanded upon the metaphor and thought about it while I walked home it made more and more sense to me.
Capitalism is all about growth. Share prices have to get bigger, everything needs to endlessly expand otherwise it stagnates and falls apart. Sometimes even if a company is successful it can collapse under the weight of unfulfilled expectation. Nothing ever appears profitable ENOUGH.
Although growth is not my aim, continual losses are – along with a weekly increase in exercise. It always has to be a little more.
Sometimes I feel like I’m going too fast, too far, too soon. I feel (even on a day where I’ve had success on the scales) that I’m doubting everything and that nothing ‘feels’ right.
I joked with the girls on the weigh station today that this week felt like my ‘star week’. This is a term used by the ladies to delicately refer to their monthly cycles – although it took me a while to cotton on to this.
Initially when they referred to this clandestine term I thought that all of their children at the same school might be in a talent contest and that was the cause of their stress and worry.
I have since been enlightened by those with insider knowledge that this is not the case. Now I’m one of the gang and I’m privy to their code. This week I’ve felt bloated, at times very emotional, down, tired and currently utterly drained.
I don’t know if this is just my ‘capitalist’ approach to things and whether I’m driving myself too hard or not. As I said to my friend outside group this morning, I don’t think I know anymore what ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ looks like when it comes to exercise and weight loss.
I think my blisters might have something to say on the subject. If they had a voice they’d tell me to take a day off and relax. If I had my way though I’d walk further EVERY day, eat less EVERY day, loose more weight EVERY week and just be practically damn perfect.
Angie said in group a couple of months ago that after 10 years of beating herself up (even as a Slimming World consultant) she feels she’s finally gotten to the place where she no longer does. I envy her a lot.
Never failing is a fantasy and I don’t know why I judge myself so harshly about what I’m doing. Sometimes even when I’m succeeding a voice in my head berates me because deep down I feel I should somehow be achieving more.
I don’t look at other people and think the same way – so why do I do it to myself?
This doesn’t apply to everything. Some things can get stuffed. I’ve been searching endlessly this morning for a reason to not tackle my garden and despite my imagination usually being quite good at things like this I’m drawing a blank.
My friend is coming over to help me shortly and ensure I don’t chicken out.
The question remains though – why can I look at some things and totally not give a toss – but with others get completely obsessed to the point of exhaustion both mentally and physically.
I suppose the easy answer is that weight loss and fitness have become vitally important to me whereas grass and bushes never have been and probably never will be. I don’t care frankly how long or how wild they are.
I do care (and feel unjustifiably peeved) that today I came within half a pound of my seven stone award. I lost four and a half pounds. I’m annoyingly near. Another half a pound and I’ve officially lost a fridge freezer.
This book and its numbers have become all consuming.
There’s no denying that this is definitely doing me good overall. Despite feeling a bit glum today I’m faring better in almost every aspect of life because of it – but sometimes I don’t know whether or not my obsession is entirely a good thing.
It’s great because of course I’m loosing lots of weight but not so good because at times it occupies my every waking thought and I simply can’t switch off.
If I’m not doing something related to Slimming World I’m thinking about doing something related to Slimming World. If I feel I’ve deviated or failed to make forward progress in Slimming World then THAT becomes my thought pattern. Either way it’s on my mind from the crack of dawn to sunset.
I always step on the scales every week fearing the worst and with a sense that I haven’t done enough.
I don’t think I’m very good at focusing on things, but historically I’ve found that I AM good with obsession. If I can direct it to positive endeavours (like weight loss and exercise) then it can be extremely useful – but left unchecked it can become something very bad and can affect my mental state.
Part of me wants to just take a week off and say ‘sod it’, but the logical side of me knows how it will make me feel when I step on the scales in another seven days and I haven’t made forward progress.
I feel rightly or wrongly that what I’m doing isn’t something that I can just take a consequence free vacation from. In the absence of currently having a job this has become my ‘work’.
I can deal with not getting up to drive to an office if I’m getting up to exercise, getting up to shop for good food, meeting a friend for a walk or going to collect my repaired boots so I can go further distances and lose more weight.
Or doing the garden. Which I’m going to start now. My friend will be here shortly.
(Mate comes round, garden is tackled, green bin is filled with brambles and bushes, further large piles of chopped up greenery are made for disposal, and some outdoor order is restored. Author feels a lot more positive.)
You know what? Tomorrow is another day and I’ll think about whatever it has to bring when it arrives. I can’t control it and I can’t foretell what it holds.
For the rest of the day I’m going to relax and stop thinking about losing weight. I’m stressing way too much and it’s absolutely pointless. If it doesn’t happen tomorrow it will happen the day after. It’s a marathon and not a sprint.
The garden looks much better, and after working and talking about ‘stuff’ I feel 100% more upbeat.
People are ace. I love being around them. They just make everything better. Friends even more so. Good ones patiently see through your self deluding bullshit and lead you back to the light. I couldn’t imagine life without them.
Just when I’m (again) disappearing up my own ass over thinking stuff one appears with gardening gloves and pruning shears and we set about physically restoring order and calm to the chaos of the ivy and brambles that make up my hedges.
The real world, tackled, slowly, methodically and with help and conversation. What could be better?
It’s very therapeutic – and it’s also a good reminder that what I’m doing at Slimming World is not done alone. Every step I take is with the support of someone saying something positive – and knowing that other people I admire go through exactly the same processes in their heads.
Feel free to give me a slap internet. Sometimes I need one.