Its 7pm. I’ve just awoken in a panic. I thought It was Saturday and that I was late for my weigh in. I have another 15 hours thankfully – but it’s more the sleeping in the afternoon and the panicking that’s on my mind at the moment.
I used to need a snooze after work a lot 6 months ago, but lately I’ve not felt like this. I’ve had more energy, and generally more get up and go.
This week however my get up and go appears to have got up and gone.
It’s pretty much all the fault of work (although the constant negativity in the media and social implosion caused by Brexit hasn’t helped). Every other thought I have is about not having a job soon – and I’m half way through having to endure the final two months of employment in a company that no longer feels myself or my colleagues add value or benefit to the organisation.
It’s really affecting my sleep and my emotions – which seem to change by the hour some days.
Today I awoke early at 4am and although I couldn’t sleep for thinking about the future I felt positive. I woke up and decided to put a happy CD together for the car. My playlist was called ‘Last month at work’, and I had decided all the music would be poppy and upbeat to see me through the next few weeks and set me up for each day.
The playlist soon appeared to be going no-where. I was bored with all but a few tracks in my collection, and every time I looked at iTunes I remembered that spending money was a bad idea.
I needed to save money, not blow it on music.
I started to feel sad. And hungry. This wasn’t helping.
By 5.30am I had started to stress about Slimming World instead. Every time I think of work I think of food, and the best I’ve been able to manage this week is eating lots of ‘good’ stuff, in contrast to the really great week I had last week where my appetite was largely under control.
I gave up on playlists and started thinking about what I could make for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and went downstairs to chop up ingredients.
I decided upon:
- Bacon medallions and eggs with fried ‘on the vine’ cherry tomatoes and chestnut mushrooms for breakfast.
- Mixed salad with more of the fragrant cherry tomatoes, Chinese leaf lettuce, orange pepper, celery and carrot for dinner. I would also make a whole grain mustard and white wine vinegar dressing.
- Next – the slow cooker. I had stewing steak, some new potatoes, carrot, mushrooms, courgette, chopped tomatoes, garlic and a stock cube to turn into a nice stew.
As I worked I put my phone in my speaker dock on a loop playing my absolutely favourite new track by Christine and the Queens. It’s called ‘Tilted’.
I like the slightly mystifying vocals, and although I haven’t quite figured out what it’s all about yet I know I love it. This was on the Graham Norton show the other week, and I am still absolutely captivated by the way Héloïse Letissier moved and sang. I’ve watched this performance about 20 times.
The dancing (or choreographed movement) has been putting a lump in my throat though when I watch this video and I’m not sure why. I have felt my chin wobble a couple of times which has been immediately accompanied by a sharp intake of breath and a heart flutter. I’m struck by the rhythmic and beautiful way she moves – and it makes me both sad and happy at the same time.
I know from the last few months that this tends to occur when there a lot of feelings buried just under the surface that I’m not willing to (or in this case can’t) deal with.
I have to go – but frankly it’s little more than a slow daily torture at the moment and I have to build myself up to it.
I put down my utensils, turned off the stove, boxed and bagged up my meals, flicked the slow cooker on to ‘low’ and stared at the kitchen wall. It was a bright, sunny morning and the irregular surface of the white tiles in front of me had tiny spots of tomato juice on them from when I’d tipped the beef into the slow cooker.
I sat and looked at their movement downward as the little red streaks slowly grew in length, before wiping them away with a sponge.
I started to feel angry instead of sad. I didn’t want to go today. I didn’t want to leave the house. I wanted to eat everything I had cooked in front of me in one go and then hide in bed under my duvet.
But I can’t. I need to get up and get on with it, and minimise the fallout.
The only thing I can do is snack on good things, so I shoved the rest of the Chinese lettuce, some chopped ham and about ten carrots in my bag as well as my meals. If I was going to graze all day then I wouldn’t be eating any crap.
I also needed coffee. By now I wasn’t feeling awake any more. I was feeling tired and irritable. Less than four hours sleep wasn’t helping my mood. Thanks to a colleague recommending a new source for Nespresso pods at Lidl (Bellarom – it’s half the price!) I had enough to get loaded. I poured a double Espresso, downed it and then filled my flask with a double Lungo.
Once this was done it was time to drive to work.
I’d given up on my idea of a happy CD and instead decided to listen to N.W.A. – Straight Outta Compton on the way to work.
I’ve had a love/hate relationship with this kind of music in the past (mostly hate to begin with) and I know the language of violence and misogyny that permeates its lyrics polarises opinion – but (at the risk of sounding melodramatic) the raw simmering anger and sense of injustice that the album embodies oddly suits my frame of mind at the moment.
Work was exactly what I expected it to be – and despite time apparently moving backwards on occasion it eventually ended. I ate all of my food, and some more tomatoes and ham when I came home.
After this mini blowout I fell asleep for a few hours, awaking in a panic thinking it was Saturday and that I was late for my weigh in. I’d been dreaming about putting on weight.
Now internet, as I sit here, I just feel numb.
I’ve gone through the whole range of negative feelings today and have really struggled to hold my head up. I’m going to spend the rest of my evening trying to do something positive to change my frame of mind. Hopefully tomorrow will be good, even though I don’t expect a loss. I’ll be happy just to maintain my weight at the moment.
I hope you’re having a good day, and if you’re struggling too then I hope you’re working through it.
We can do this.
P.S. One thing that did make me smile was that some of my old team (Ryan and Chris – who both left a few months ago before my own round of expulsions) are still hanging out together as they write songs and make music videos.
Some of you may remember Ryan inherited my mom’s acoustic guitar, which apparently he’s been playing recently in the car park with Chris at his new job!
Occasionally I get a text to show me their new material, and today he sent me his latest track – if anyone knows them or is interested you can see them here 🙂