When you want a wee


I’m not afraid to steal pearls of wisdom and take them for my own. For years my mantra was a variation of Murphy’s Law and I like to think I lived by the belief that ‘Anything that can go wrong will wrong – but it will always be alright in the end.’

Over the years I’ve changed slightly – and I followed that with ‘There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.’ I still firmly believe both sayings, even though sometimes I can forget them and be swept away in a more pessimistic moment.

Tonight I was chatting to a friend over several cups of tea whilst watching the output of Channel 5. Knowing it’s audience (us it seems) it preceded ‘Britain’s Flashiest Familes‘ with ‘On Benefits.’

Both provoked their own appropriately tailored levels of scorn from the two of us. ‘On Benefits’ appeared to be documenting people more interested in getting tattoos and trying to become famous with awful music than they seemed to be in actually working to earn money that would help fund their ambitions – however misguided they may be.

Although the segment on the girl (who wanted to be a burlesque dancer) being filmed by her mother in the back garden of her council house trying to breathe fire by spitting mouthfuls cooking oil at naked flames was at the very least highly amusing.

The programme (I now surmise) was carefully designed to raise the collective ire in the room, and it succeeded. We both derided the participants of the programme and sipped our tea in judgement.

Then ‘Britain’s flashiest families’ came on – where people with more money than sense appeared to be making purchases purely to be seen by everyone. A man called Danny Lambo (who dubs himself ‘Britain’s Flashiest Playboy’ and owns several Lambourghinis) delighted in quoting his net worth as £25 million and showing off his collection of ridiculously expensive cars, before being filmed buying another ridiculously expensive car worth as much as my house.

Another woman was buying a Rolex for her daughter’s birthday. Her bright orange botox’d offspring seemed unimpressed with the timepiece and the other assorted items of jewellery her mother laid out on the living room coffee table for her.

These too were fools and deserved our scorn.

It seems that there is no place on television for a program called ‘Average Joes that have a job and pay a mortgage.’ We’re sadly just not that interesting, as we get paid an ok salary and have a car with 160k on the clock so that we can pay off our debts.

Although now (I realised while looking at these programmes) I soon won’t really fit into any of those categories.

As I was watching the super poor spend their benefits on a £15 kinky tickle stick in Ann Summers and the super rich hide their pain behind another £8000 Rolex and some £1100 Botox I wondered where I’m going to fit into the world now I’m soon to be in employment no-man’s land.

I still don’t know what to do next and I’m swinging like a pendulum between needing a man sized nappy, and taking things in my stride.

I relayed these feelings to my friend as we passed judgement on the poor and rich people on TV and he told me I shouldn’t worry. ‘The best decisions are made when you want a wee’ he said matter of factly.

I laughed.

‘What did you say?’

‘The best decisions are made when you want a slash’ he said again.

‘I’ve never heard that before!’ I said, still laughing.

‘It’s true’ he said. ‘When you’re in a hurry and you need a piss you make your mind up really quick.’

I couldn’t argue with the logic. When there’s a pressing catastrophe waiting in the wings it certainly focuses the mind, and although I’m not 100% sure that fast decisions are the best (I also claim as my motto ‘Act in haste and repent at leisure’) there’s no denying that they are just that.


Good or bad, when faced with a situation that you have no choice about you have to make one.

Soon I’ll be faced with being unemployed and I’m going to have to decide what to do.

Given the volume of water I’m drinking for Slimming World it’s not hard to imagine needing the toilet – as it’s a constant feature in my life at the moment and it definitely has related urgency.

Hopefully my mind will be sharper closer to the time, and I think the subtext of what my friend is trying to make me realise is that currently I don’t yet need the metaphorical loo badly enough.

When I do then something will happen naturally and nature will take its course.

My friend has been pretty helpful tonight, and also gave me a slow cooker he’s not been using to try out and see whether it’s the right thing for me.

I have some casserole steak in the fridge – and the remaining scrag ends of veg from the week’s shopping. I think that later on tonight or in the morning I’ll throw some ingredients in it and see what comes out the other end.

I’m thinking a slowly cooked beef casserole will be a good start, while I’m waiting for my metaphorical bladder to fill up.

Happy wee wees internet 🙂


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