Ok – I think I need to face facts. I’m doing something wrong.
I stepped on the Slimming World (SW) scales again today and they showed half a pound off.
Now I know its half off– but in my head I’ve had a SECOND week where I feel I’ve been good and I’ve not got the results that I wanted.
This time, despite being once again angry and resentful at the injustice of it all I had promised myself that I wouldn’t make a knee jerk jerk out of myself by leaving immediately and instead stayed to the meeting.
Angie had sent a text out before group to say that this week it was an open forum where we could discuss what ailed us – any success stories or just talk about where we struggled.
I wasn’t really in the mood for shouting out. Although it was half off this week I am still grinding my teeth about the one and a half on last week. I feel I still owe myself a pound and more.
So, this week I started to make notes, and try to be honest with myself. I need to know what I’m doing wrong and fix it before I start getting despondent and going back to old habits. Honestly I’ve felt very low this week and I haven’t been able to adequately turn my mood around.
So – what did I learn in today’s meeting?
- Drink Water. If i’m honest this has been a real PITA and I’ve strayed off doing this recently. I’ve been having a lot of fluids, but not water. I’ve been drinking coffee like it was about to imminently disappear from the planet.
- Anything that’s a ‘free’ food needs to have a ‘speed’ food with it. This is a big one for me, and looking back at my diary of food I’ve eaten a lot of foods like ham or fish on their own as a snack, without any veg. This is a big no-no and I’ve not paid enough attention to this aspect of the diet. It still has a calorific value even if its a ‘free’ food, so i can’t eat it endlessly without consequence.
- Estimating rather than weighing or measuring food. I’ve been guesstimating items like oats and milk, along with other meal ingredients and it has to stop. I bought some batteries on e-bay for my digital scales and this week I’m going to be the anal king of weighing stuff. I’ll be so tight you’d be able to twist off a bottle cap with my butt cheeks.
- Read the Slimming World book from cover to cover. This I’ve not done. I’ve dipped in and out and if I’m honest I’ve not done this primarily because of point 5. I’m so terrified I’ll read something that highlights this subject that I avoided it. I’m going to read the book from front to back.
- Portion Control. This is a MASSIVE issue for me and i’ve been avoiding addressing it. It’s almost as bad for me mentally as giving up drinking. The thought of addressing it fills me with dread, but I can’t put it off any longer. If I don’t then I’ll completely sabotage myself.
I have the next week off work, and I aim try and stick to all of the above. Work had been getting to me a bit lately (the mood in the office about the future hasn’t been a positive one) and I have eaten more when my mood has dipped (free food without speed, not crap).
On the plus side at the moment my blood sugar levels are in the best shape they’ve been since I was diagnosed as type two diabetic (down to 9.4 on my testing kit from 14-15 shortly after I gave up alcohol but before joining SW), so despite the lack of weight loss I have proof right in front of me that cooking everything from scratch is having a positive impact to my health.
Anyway – we’ll see how all that goes and whether this improves my overall state of mind.
I’ll try and document my mood and feelings, regardless of what they are.
Finally, I’m not a huge fan of photos of myself. I know they’re increasingly a fact of life these days, and what I see isn’t necessarily what others see. They (as I do) take pictures of people they like in an attempt to remember happy moments, so I don’t say no or complain when someone wants to take my photo.
But I rarely want to look at them.
The photos people take of me these days aren’t lies. They don’t add 10lbs as the saying goes – they just show me as I am at the moment, and thats more than bad enough.
It’s true that I don’t really like the person that I am (physically for the most part) at the moment, but I think it’s healthy to keep looking at images of myself, and try and see how others might see me instead of how I view myself.
My sister in law is never far from a camera and she has a nice eye for candid portrait pictures. While we were in Starbucks the other week she took this one of me – which I like from the point of view of the quality of the composition – but don’t like because of how I look.
All I see at the moment is a fat man.
If I try hard I can appreciate that he appears to have a kind face and eyes. He’s also got a cheerful demeanour and underneath the weight has potential, but it’s really hard to see the positives.
And no – I’m not fishing for compliments. I’m just being honest about how it makes me feel, and trying to give myself a break.
In the spirit of sharing things that embarrass me I’m including it in my post, instead of hiding it in a dark vault and forgetting about it.
Today is all about being honest with myself so it seems appropriate.