One thing I really really really can’t stand is arriving to anywhere feeling like I don’t have anything positive to say.
I felt like this today – and the root of my dip in mood is fundamentally a lack of sleep.
There are several things playing on my mind at the moment and bit by bit they have been progressively affecting my mood and slumber more and more.
My honest initial response to this has ALWAYS been to withdraw and stay away from people. If I don’t do it physically then I manage to accomplish it mentally by going quiet and putting my headphones on.
I arrived at work this morning and tried my best to be upbeat Dave – but I spent most of the day listening to the collected voices within my head that form my negative inner monologue.
These currently revolve (primarily but not exclusively) around the future and also a massive fear of failure with weight loss.
As stupid as putting a pound and a half on is to most people to me it might as well be several bags of cement. The emotional feelings are identical.
I know it’s irrational. I know it’s early days. I know that I’ve not pressed the self destruct button and I’ve stayed on track, but it’s gnawing away in the back of my mind, just poking at my brain every chance it gets.
In parallel with my fear of failure comes a fear of who I will be in the future.
Not so long ago I lived in a drunken bubble and didn’t believe I had a future.
Now I may well do after all and that’s almost worse sometimes – because with possibilities and hope also come fear.
I’m worried about what I will be able to accomplish if things change in life, and where I will ultimately fit into the world.
Will I want a relationship, where will I work, what will I want from life? How will I make a positive contribution?
I’ve worked at the same place (despite my recent attempt to leave) for nearly 16 years, and while I like to think in breezier moments that change is easy I’m pretty sure that a big part of me is institutionalised and my thought patterns mirror a routine I’ve had for a long time.
My weight loss and approach to becoming sober is completely tied up in my need to be able to move physically and mentally much faster than I currently do, and crucially be able to adapt quickly to change.
I know it will take time – but sometimes I fear that this is running out and that I will need to confront new challenges in life far faster than initially I expected to.
At the moment I struggle with the idea of joining any course, group or even a job interview looking like I do at the moment.
I managed this in instances where the people were like me (fellow alcohol dependants or dieters) but it’s another thing entirely to stand in a room where I feel that others don’t have the same challenges as me.
I know. I know. I’m not alone. This isn’t an issue that’s unique to me or even fat people. Everyone struggles with their own hang ups, and if the last few months have taught me anything it’s that my feelings are depressingly familiar to everyone.
But I’m trying to be positive today. Not negative. I don’t like negative me.
Tonight – instead of hibernating I went to meet a friend after work, and we talked for a few hours over dinner.
The venue was lively and we had a heavily Scottish waiter who enthusiastically whizzed between tables taking orders on his iPhone terminal in a broad and cheerful accent.
In between customers he seemed to be endlessly moving sauce bottles and salt sellers between tables – almost as if to balance their weight and prevent collapse.
He was managing a fragile eco system that had finite natural resources and I noticed that not all tables had vinegar or salt.
He was industriously moving it periodically to locations that had chips en route.
After taking down our choices (we both went for chicken and massacred the salad bar. There wasn’t a chip in sight. ) the Scot moved away and my friend and I started to share thoughts about our days.
I confessed to feeling a bit shit and we talked about it.
It’s not just me. We’re all dealing with our own personal worries – and sometimes all you need is to tell someone you feel weak and allow them to listen or help.
Then you can do the same for them and everything seems like the sun is rising instead of setting.
Sometimes a hug is all it takes – and the world instantly doesn’t seem so bad.
Thankfully, like me my friend is a hugger.
As negatively as my day began it ended rather well. With perspective, company and a big hug. I didn’t sit alone and brood.
Who knows what will happen to me in the future.
I can’t control it.
I do know though that if I hide from it or approach it with negativity all my worst fears will come true.
Bollocks to that. I prefer people. And hugs.
Goodnight and sweet dreams Internet.