Bro’s before mow’s 

Some people are just selfish.

Take my next door neighbour for instance. For a few weeks we have had an unspoken solidarity between us, and have been holding off mowing the lawn.

Our grass was of equally shameful height and it was a clear and unspoken pact.

‘Screw the neat freaks – life is too short for mowing grass!’

Until today that is, when I returned home from work to find the duplicitous wretch had broken our implied ‘bro’s before mow’s’ pact and trimmed his greenery.

I sat in the car cursing him for a few minutes, knowing that his actions had pushed me into the worst case scenario.

I would have to brave the back garden, attempt to reach the shed (cut off from civilisation for a while) and return through the wilds with…

The lawn mower.

Now many will know me as a friend of gadgets and technology. I’m kind and generous to the items I buy but I expect loyalty and hard work in return for my ongoing love.

The mower is different. It gets a largely free ride and spends most of its life nice and cosy, in the secure knowledge that it’s not leaving the shed.

I opened the back door and took a sharp intake of breath.


Ok. That looks worse than when I opened it a few weeks ago.

Never mind. It can be done.

Machete in hand I made my way to the shed and retrieved my long lost technology. It was a little dusty, and needed several snails and spiders to be encouraged to vacate the premises.

Otherwise it seemed in good shape.

I dragged it and the extension chord back down the garden, through the house and out the front.

The sun had gone down. Perfect. No kids about to gawp at me and no sun. All I had facing me was epic grass and backache.

However. It wasn’t that bad.

The lawn looks kind of nice now. My back didn’t hurt that much and I only had to sit down once. That’s pretty good for me. In the past I’ve been so breathless I could hardly stand.

My Apple Watch was also paying attention to this disgusting turn of events and quietly counted my exercise and calories burned. It appears pleased with me and I’m nearer than usual to the unrealistic and provocative goals that it sets for me every day.

A few weeks ago my colleague reminded me that small steps are still the right steps – and I was thinking of him while I cursed the grass.

He sent me this last night and I like its simplicity.


The lawn mowing wasn’t speedy.

I wasn’t able to do it fast and it wasn’t as easy as it once was – but it definitely wasn’t as hard as the last time.

When I sat down and considered the alternative it was crap.

Today for the first time in weeks sitting at my desk at work as the day drew to a close I really wanted to drink. Without realising it began to fantasise about it as I got closer to the end of my shift.

I quickly stopped myself and mentally slapped my virtual face for thinking about it at all.

But it was there. Hiding in the background. Ready to offer its shoulder if I felt pissed off or down.

But frankly it can **** off.

I feel much better after mowing and exercise than I would if I had been drinking and I don’t need the ‘comfort’ it provides.

It’s false and just drags me down. I have better things to do.

At the weekend I will tackle (drum roll) THE BACK LAWN…

I hope your grassy areas are trimmed to perfection and you are enjoying the outdoor space Internet – have a good evening!

Davey

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