It’s Sunday. After a late night (I hit the sack at 4am) my eyes are tired and I’m a bit grouchy. I woke up some time after 8am.
My shopping arrived two hours earlier than expected (yes i’m an online shopper and I’m unrepentant.) When the delivery guy started knocking the door I was still bleary eyed, half asleep and looking like a grenade had exploded in my beard.
On the bright side I suddenly had milk for my coffee, which moved caffeine up on my agenda, and replaced any thoughts of breakfast, which I have no appetite for at the moment.
Sadly the Sainsburys guy with a pressing schedule on the doorstep didn’t see the genial side of me this morning because I’m stressing and worrying. I’ve been thinking about the future and have been dwelling on what if’s, which also occupied my dreams.
Totally out of the blue I awoke obsessed with my car insurance. I couldn’t remember who my policy was with or how I paid my premium. I spent a scary 45 minutes searching all my online files to make sure I actually WAS insured.
Thankfully I am.
Then I started thinking about my household budget and where I could save money to divert to my mortgage. I decided to put a current spreadsheet together detailing all my incomings and outgoings. This didn’t help. It just reminded my how much it costs to stand still in life, made me worry about my pension provision, being financially on my own and left me concerned about the future.
Suddenly I’m consumed by ‘what if’s’.
Its completely pointless – I know that. Although I can plan for what may or may not happen years from now I really have no idea really ahead. The best I can do is make sure I’m frugal, pay my debts, look after myself and don’t set myself up for obvious failure.
(Interlude. Our intrepid hero is stopped from writing his blog by events beyond his control. Thankfully Wordpress saves stuff regularly. We find him a day later still musing about his choices in relation to this. He likes to navel gaze. It’s his thing.)
I woke up today (Monday) royally annoyed with myself. Yesterday I did something on impulse that was just plain stupid and defied logic.
As I was saying before for some time now I’ve been focusing on my mortgage and it’s fair to say that at times I’ve been quite obsessed by it. Over and over again I’ve added up how long it will take to pay off and how I can bring the timescale further down by economising in other areas.
Yesterday I made a nice pie chart with incomings and outgoings but that just made things worse. As I thought of areas to cut back and save money I became more and more stressed. I started to write my thoughts down in my blog, but it wasn’t really helping. By the 400 word mark I was no closer to alleviating the feelings, which is unusual.
Then the universe (always listening and paying attention it seems) decided to intervene and killed my computer. Stone dead.
Initially it restarted and the panic was over – but then when the screen image flickered, warped, corrupted and wrapped half-way round the back of itself I realised that the issue wasn’t a software crash. Continued reboots afterwards resulted in lots of vertical stripes and no desktop, just an endless boot loop.
My beloved buddy had just bitten the dust.
After a couple of hours trying to coax it back to life I decided it looked like a graphics card issue. However in this case the cause made little difference as the computer is an ‘all in one’ machine. If one component goes then it’s practically a doorstop.
So – faced with being without it for a few days (and use my laptop instead while it was possibly repaired) I decided to take the only logical course of action.
I immediately went out and bought a replacement. Because f**k you spreadsheet and pie chart. Retail therapy rules.
Now though I am kicking myself. Only a few days ago I was writing about deferring instant gratification, and what did I do? Reacted on impulse, and spent money I could have put toward far more important things.
Last night, a few hours after my shopping spree I was quietly fuming. Whilst cooking in my kitchen I texted my brother and informed him that I wanted to put my fist through a wall because I was so annoyed with myself.
I wouldn’t of course. It would hurt. Lots. Also I bruise like a peach.
Pete is used to my impulsive behaviour and also thought I had been a complete donut (my words not his) but was glad that I recognised this. It would be a valuable lesson. I could take this event, remember how it made me feel and not do it again.
I was also reminded in group this morning (ironically enough the topic of which was positive thinking) that I should not beat myself up about failures. I need to learn from moments of idiocy and move on.
So the morals of the story for today:
- Practice what you preach
- Don’t be an absolute donut
- If you are donut then deal with it, learn from it, move on and don’t beat yourself up