It’s cold today, and it feels like there’s snow in the air.
It’s apt, as this weekend I’ve been mostly hibernating a bit if I’m honest. I’m trying to throw off a succession of negative thoughts that have been buzzing around in my head.
They don’t really have a form – and are difficult to vocalise, but when I feel like this my natural impulse is to withdraw from human company, which I have been trying really hard not to do.
Saturday was spent watching the entirety of ‘True Detective’ Season 2, which clocks in at about 8.5 hours of procrastination, underneath a duvet, eating only cheese and crackers (when hibernating one does not go shopping).
I didn’t realise I had crackers until I hunted about, and they were the perfect accompaniment to some Stilton my friend gave me to try the other day along with a rather massive Salami. Normally crackers would go great with a glass of wine, but at the moment coffee is filling the gap.
About 4 years ago I lost almost 10 stone and was walking everywhere – I felt fit and happy, and the culmination of this was going on a walking holiday in Cornwall where I managed 48 miles in 5 days – which was something I had never done before.
The day I came back I asked myself what the point was and then started the gradual climb to putting the entire 10 stone back on again.
I still don’t really know what caused the decline, but I remember lying in bed in the holiday let and taking a selfie, thinking the white sheets and seaside light would make for a good pic.
Actually I found myself looking at the picture a few minutes later and the words ‘who are you kidding?’ popped into my head. I really don’t know why, but at that moment it all slowly started to turn to crap.
I’m scared that the same emotion is lodging itself in my head at the moment, and I really really want the program I discussed with my case worker to start sooner rather than later. Not because I want to drink, but because I don’t want to feel like this again, and I need to understand why I can shift so quickly from positivity to feelings of depression and back again.
Since hibernating does no-one any good I got up early today and cleaned my kitchen and properly potted and watered my new dwarf citrus plant. Shortly after that my shopping arrived and I slowly unpacked a distressingly unappetising selection of food. Each item looked less worthy of attention than the last. Although I ordered it the night before, none of it appealed to me today – a sure sign something isn’t 100%.
I needed to make sure I went out today, and so immediately arranged to have coffee with my brother.
It seems neither of us had much to say today, but honestly that is just as good sometimes as talking endlessly. When you’re with someone that knows you inside out there isn’t always a need to use words. Just being together is enough. We drank tea and coffee and looked out of the Starbucks window, watching the people pass while chatting a bit about work and things we had outstanding to do in general. He’s gotten over the flu that he had a week ago and sounds a lot better – just like my dad – which is good as I’m sensitive to both of them being unwell lately and want them to be healthy. I’m sure they think the same about me.
When I got home I unpacked the scanner that I’d also purchased while I was out and plugged it into my Mac.
I have two carrier bags of photos that my mom left behind. A lot of them she ‘stole’ from her brother and sister when she cleaned out her own mother’s house after she died without consulting her siblings.
Its a big issue with my uncle – and I said to him that he was welcome to have the originals. However what I wanted to do was scan and upload them so the whole family could have access to them in the future. He seemed happy with this, and I promised him I’d start the process as soon as the bungalow clearance was out of the way.
The first thing I grabbed from the bag turned out to be the wedding album of my mom and dad – which contained some outrageous 70’s fashion crimes on my dad’s part and a pair of unusually happy smiling parental faces, which was nice to see.
When you scan a 3 inch by 3 inch photo and blow it up you begin to notice a lot that wasn’t immediately obvious, such as expressions or hair curls, and eyes squinting in the sun.
In one a happy little girl had sneaked into the background of a photo of the wedding guests. She wore a bright yellow dress, white cardigan and her light blonde hair was tied back in a big bunch at the back of her head. She was photographed in motion, turning away from the camera and readying a red coat to throw around her shoulders. The grass was covered in daisies and buttercups beneath her feet, which I hadn’t noticed until I focused on her. It was a nice little moment in time, completely unrelated to the event – and added a whole new dimension to the photo.
Evidence of my childhood in Orkney was also at the back of the album and so was my favourite chicken – Brownie, clutched in my arms, and clearly less than keen about my affection.
I’m either really short in this photo or Brownie was Chickenzilla.
When I look at this picture I wonder again why anyone becomes depressed or down, and why we loose the simplicity of childhood. I doubt my mind at that time felt much beyond needing food and bed or wanting to play outside with the chickens.
I’m glad I sat down to scan photos and blog something. I don’t feel the same as when I started this evening. Once again writing down what I feel has been good for me. It’s like a bandage made of syllables instead of cloth and as I write I can feel it slowly wrapping around me.
It enables me to read, and re-read what I’ve written. While checking spelling and punctuation the feelings contained within the paragraphs loose their power to control me, and become just words on a page. Once I click ‘publish’ they’re out there, on the loose, and strangely no longer in my head.
Hmmm. I feel hungry.
I’m going to go and have a look in the fridge and see if the food that didn’t look appealing this morning looks appealing now, and possibly have a bite to eat.